December 31st 2013

Today is the last day of the year, and almost the 1 year anniversary of when my husband came out to me.  We were suppose to go to a new years eve party tonight with our play group, but we were forced to cancel.  One of our friends has a very high risk pregnancy, her older son was born at 31 weeks, and she is approaching that time with her current pregnancy, and so she can't risk getting sick at all, if she can avoid it, and our boys are getting over some colds.  She offered not to go so we could, but I felt bad since I am the one with kids who were sick.  We went back and forth about it, but I told her just to go and enjoy herself.  Now i'm kinda kicking myself for it.  I have been having some issues with depression lately and feeling lonely not being around my friends much lately, and I was hoping to get out and do something.  The frustrating part is that I just couldn't put my own needs first.  My boys aren't horribly sick or anything, just a cough and one of them has a runny nose.  They did have fevers but they have been gone for a few days now.  And don't get me wrong I understand her concern for not wanting to get sick, but what about me.  Why do I put myself last after everyone?  Why can I never put myself first? Its something that I know I really have to work on, but I feel so guilty putting myself first.  I have kids I should never come before them right?  Its all so complicated.

Its also been kinda hard that I have felt kinda outcast-ed from our play group over the last 6 months or so.  I don't know what has changed, a lot of us had kids start school, and some went back to work, and others got put on bed rest, a lot has changed for everyone.  Most of them hang out with each other still though.  Its a small group but its kinda like clicks formed, and mom's found their best friend of the group and that is who they hang out with all the time, but I ended up without one.  I have very low self esteem, and so my thoughts keep going to say that it must be because they don't like me, or they find me very annoying.  When I'm already feeling like this, and you add in my mother in law going on and on about how terrible of a person I am, I start believing it all must be true.  I like to think that over the last few years with my husband I have gained a lot of self esteem, and I have over all grow as a person in the last 6 years or so.  Then I start feeling like the odd man out with my friends, and to hear such horrible things said about me from a family member (who is getting her information from my ex-fiance's wife who is friends with my husbands sister... I know its kinda weird).  It just brings back so many feelings of bad times in my life when I didn't have it all together, and now I feel like I'm losing it all again.

I have tried expressing to at least one of my friends that I was feeling lonely and left out, with the hopes that she would ask to hang out or something, and she didn't, so that didn't really help things any.

Last year was a very long year, and I see next year being another long, here's hoping that I find something to look forward to in the next year.

I hope everyone has a happy new year!!

Facebook group

I don't know how many people read this blog, but I wanted to share with you all a group that I am starting on facebook.  I've made it secret so unless you are in the group you can't see the group, who is in it or what is posted.  I can't just share a link to the group because it wont show up for you if your not a member so please email me Hellokittypink53@gmail.com to get an invite to the group.  I'm planning for it to be a place where spouses of trans people can talk openly about the issues they are facing with out worrying about what others think.  A place to vent, as well as share the good news.

I also wanted to share another blog that is by a trans spouse.  I haven't finished reading though it all yet, but they are just getting starting with it all and I'm sure she would love some of you to visit her site http://myidentityjourney.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-breaking-point.html

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I just wanted to put a quick post up about the group, hopefully I'll find time to put up a regular post soon :-)

December 2nd, 2013

After spending most of November stressing out about what we were gonna do for Thanksgiving we ended up going to my families instead of Jon's.  We wanted to go see his family but we just couldn't stand to see his parents and siblings.  It was the first time we saw my brother and sister in law since Jon came out to them.  I think we were both a little nervous, but my family is also wonderfully supportive.  They treated Jon the same way they always have.  When we went to my Grandma's house for thanksgiving it was great too!  My mom told me after we had been there for a while that my dad had told one of my aunts about Jon being trans, and she didn't say anything about knowing, but she also still treated him the same way she always has.  I know it has to be scarier for Jon to see people for the first time after coming out to them, but this week really showed us that we will always have my family.  We wont have to go at this alone.

On our way home we met up with a old friend of ours, and met his wife for the first time.  It was also the first time we saw them since we told them, and they were wonderful about it too.  I am very grateful for for all of our friends and family who have stood by us, and acted like nothing has changed!

I hope everyone reading had a happy Thanksgiving too!!

November 7th, 2013

So about a month ago Jon finally told his parents and siblings.  At first we were surprised with how well things went.  His siblings haven't said a single word to us at all, but his parents said they thought he shouldn't rush into things and they would be willing to pay for a therapist for us.  Well that didn't last long till we found out that they wanted to pay for a therapist who would "fix" Jon.  When we would answer the questions they asked, they would come back and tell us that we were wrong, and inform us of how things in our life really are.  There was nothing we could say to answer their questions how they wanted.  So we suggested to them that they read some information that we sent them, and take some time to think things through, and get their thoughts together.  We were then told that they didn't want to read the text book cases, they wanted to hear it from us, and that they needed some time. So we tried to explain again, and again suggested they take some time to think about things.  They kept telling us they needed time, but also refused to take it.  As we kept trying to explain they just kept getting more aggressive towards me.  After a week of getting no where with them Jon decided to block them on facebook, and encouraged me to as well, which I did after I got another email that wasn't even focused on Jon anymore and had become focused on just attacking me. After that my MIL started emailing us.  Telling us that we were running away like scared children.  All we wanted was some relief from the stress they were causing.  They were saying things that will never be forgotten, and things that hurt both of us deeply.  Jon set it up so our email just deleted her emails so we don't even read them anymore.  She also told us that if we were going to Thanksgiving then they wouldn't be going because they couldn't see us and pretend like anything was ok.

After cutting her off, she wrote a letter to Jon's work.  She started out sounding like things might get better.  She said they had actually looked some stuff up, and it sounded like they might be trying to understand... she then spent the next 8 pages bashing me.  Telling Jon that I am this terrible person who does terrible things, and anything that I say about her is a lie, she even took it far enough to tell us that they have figured out what is wrong with me, and said that I am a sociopath, and that he should look it up and he'll see that it matches how I treat everyone.  She barely filled a page and a half trying to support Jon, and spent 8 pages attacking me.  I don't know how she thinks this will help anything.  She has just pushed her son away, and is blaming me on it.

Now I know it is hard to hear your son is really a woman.  It may even be harder then being the wife.  I did my best to keep that in mind though all of this as she questioned me as to why I stayed with him, and why I am still staying with him.  And even when she continued to tell me that things would change and things would get harder, and how do I know I wont leave him then.  It was when she followed all of that up with admitting that she just wanted to make sure I loved him.  Then went on to tell me how terrible of a person I am.  I understand blaming me for this. They need someone to blame, at least in the beginning, they don't want it to be their fault, so they want to blame me.  But to attacked me about things that don't relate to Jon being trans at all.

I know they are going through a lot, and our relationship has been going down hill for years.  But she has pushed us to not wanting to even talk to them or see them.  We were excited to go see Jon's extended family at thanksgiving since my MIL say they wouldn't be there if we were, but once we found out that they are still planning on going we have decided not to go.  We are crushed by it.  There is family that will be there that we haven't seen in a really long time, and we were excited to see them, but we just can't take the stress of seeing them.  Not after everything she has had to say about us.. well me.  I've had to be one on contacting Jon's aunts and letting them know we're not coming and why, and I think that has been even harder then all of the things his mom has said to me.  I don't wan to lie to to family, I don't think its right to lie for any reason.  I tried to be vague, and give simple reasons, but I still feel bad that we can't go see his family cuz his MIL is crazy.

Sorry if this post is kinda all over the place, I've just had this on my mind for a while now and wanted to get some of it out.

October 2, 2013

I haven't written in a while. I have been busy, plus I guess I didn't know what to say. We have had a few ups and downs over the last few months.  One of the most recent downs was about who my husband was coming out to.  Don't get me wrong I'm very supportive of him coming out, however he's been only telling my family and friends.  It didn't really bother me that he was coming out to them, what got to me was the fact that when I expressed concern of a certain friend telling all of my old friends and I wasn't sure about how I felt about that, he acted like I was over reacting.  It ended up being a big fight... well not really a fit, but we were both upset.  We ended up talking it out and both admitted that we over reacted.

Out side of the transgender side of things, we had a rough month last night.   We have decided to have at least 1 (maybe 2) more kids before he starts hormones.  Last month we had miscarriage.  It was very early in the pregnancy, and we are able to try again right away, but all I could think is did I really need to go through this too!  We have really come to terms with the loss.

Going back to coming out, my husband has been struggling with the idea of telling his family.  I know I have posted on here before about how we don't get along well with his mom, shes also not very open minded.  He is terrified of her reaction, as well as of the reaction of the rest of his family.  We are suppose to go see his extended family for Thanksgiving and is afraid of telling his mom before then.  He's afraid that she might tell all of the family before he is read for them to know.  I wish I could help him with this, but outside of being there for him and supporting him, its something he really has to do for himself.

We have been talking about names lately, he had told someone that his girl name is Jessica, and I told him I didn't like that name!  I know to many people with the name Jessica, and I'm just not a big fan of the name.  We started looking at name lists and stuff, and he ended up really liking the name Katie.  I'm still coming around to it, but I don't really have a problem with it.  I think the only thing that makes me hesitate is simply the idea of having to pick a girl name for my husband.

I think I have finally accepted that he is transgender.  I know I am still using the he/his instead of she/her, in private from time to time I will call him my wife, and a few things like that.  Really I don't want to get to use to saying she and then slip and use she when talking about him to someone who doesn't know.  I have started trying to surprise him with clothes.  For his birthday I got him a pair of girl jeans and 2 shirts.  Its been a lot easier to see him in girl clothes then I thought it would be.  He has been wearing some girl PJ's for a while now, but jeans are a different thing.  Yesterday I surprised him with some underwear, as his boxers didn't really look right under his jeans.  He has been feeling a little self conscious in his girl clothes, so I have been trying to encourage him to wear them around the house and become more comfortable.  They don't fit like the clothes he is use to... plus his is still lacking the boobs that would change how they look too.

Overall I think our life has finally gotten to its new level of normalcy.  Its not what it use to be, but it is good, and filled with a lot of happiness.

July 22, 2013

I know I haven't posted in a while, things were going really good again... for a while at least.  Now I am just confused.  I want so bad for everything to just work out, but I have so many doubts.  I've tried talking to my husband about some of them but he just ends up really up set, and I just feel worse.  I have my doubts that I can make this work.  He told me the other day that my opinion is all that matters, and as long as I can see him as a woman everything will be ok.  Thats a lot to put on me.  I am gonna be the hardest person to convince.  He is my husband, and father to our children, how am I suppose to see him as a woman.

I told him that I still had a hope that maybe this was just a phase, and it would pass, and things would just be normal.  I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but its just stayed in the back of my mind.  He told me very straight forwardly that its not a phase, and he was worried about me that I thought it was.  Ever since that convo, I guess I lost all hope of it being a phase, and with that some of my hope that I can handle this.

Everyday I torture myself thinking of the pro's and con's of staying.  I LOVE my husband, and he treats me amazingly well, and really spoils me.  I know I will never meet a kinder person, but I to be put though all of this stress as he changes.  Seeing him from time to time in woman's clothes is so hard already, how am I gonna handle it when it is an everyday thing.  Does it get easier? or is this just life? I know that things are only going to get a lot harder before they stand a chance of getting easier.  But what if it just keeps getting harder, and never gets easier?

I guess only time will tell.

I feel I should also mention that I'm also just a bit down since we recently have started trying to have another baby, and the first try was not successful.  I know it was only one try, and some people try for years, but I was convinced it was successful, and clearly it wasn't.  So overall I have been overly hormonal.

June 3, 2013

My husband and I had a good talk the other night.  We ended up staying up till almost 4, but we got a lot of what has been building up out.  I don't remember exactly what made it all start coming out, I know I told him I was worrying about stuff.  It has been a while since he's made any changes.  I keep reading things online where the transsexual ends up saying that they need to make changes or they will kill themselves.  I started worrying that by asking him to keep things slow I was just going to push him to that point, but I didn't want to bring it up to him because I had a feeling it would lead to him wanting to make more changes, and I didn't know if I could handle it.  He admitted that he wants to start dressing at home on the weekends, but he doesn't have anything to wear, but some of my old skirts.  So I suggested maybe we could start by just doing it for a few hours here and there.  I'm hoping that it will make it easier.  I know I'm gonna have to get past the initial shock of seeing him in girls clothes.  He does have the girl PJ's that he wears a lot, and they no longer bother me, so I'm sure with time I will get past the other clothes too.  While out shopping yesterday I surprised him and stopped at goodwill to see if we could find him any clothes.  He has no idea what kind of style he wants to end up wearing, and I don't know what would look good on him, so I figured goodwill is at least a cheap way for him to experiment with what styles he wants to end up wearing.  

We also talked about how I feel like I have to give up a lot of things for his happiness, and I'm worried about how intimate we will be once hormones start.  He was really great this time.  I know in the past he has wanted to make me feel better, but last night he really did a good job!  He went on about all of the good things he was thinking, and went on to say all of the things that wont change physically, and just kinda slipped in saying his penis.  I think it took me a while to actually realize that he had said it.  So I of course had to ask about it.  Last we had talked about it he didn't really know how he felt when it came to surgery, and I had expressed to him that I am not a lesbian, and had no interest in being in that kind of a sexual relationship.. thats not to say I wouldn't stay with him, just that we would lose a lot of our intimacy.  I guess at some point he had put more thought into it, and I don't know why he didn't tell me about it sooner.  But as of now at least he is thinking that he will not get the surgery.  The risks arn't worth it, and I'm the only one who is gonna see it.  I know that hormones might end up changing his mind, but those are still a few years away anyways, we still have more kids to make lol.  

The conversations about this can be so hard, but I still think that talking it out is one of the best things you can do.  We have been letting things build up a bit, but I think we got it all talked out the other night.  I'm feeling oddly calm about all of this. 

May 22, 2013

I just have so many doubts right now.  When my first son was about 8-9 months old, I stated getting baby fever really bad, and we started trying for our second.  Now that my second son is 9 months old, I keep expecting the baby fever to start any day now.  Instead when I think about getting pregnant, I just think about that fact that we are already in debt, and having kids is expensive, and my husband wants to get stuff done, and I don't know how to afford that.  I still have the doubts of just bringing another kid into all of this.  But at the same time, we already have 2 so whats the difference if we have another one to go through all of this too.  My husband suggested waiting a year and a half to have another kid since he should get 2 raises in that time, and maybe a promotion, but I want my kids all close together.  I know a year and a half isn't that long, but when you add in the 9 months of pregnancy too our oldest will be 6, and our youngest will be getting into preschool, and then will I really want to have a young baby again? I think I'm just stressing myself out about it all more then I need to.  I think I'm just stressing out as a whole, and having a baby is just in there somewhere and has become the focus of it all.

April 24, 2013

I've just been feeling really down lately.  There isn't really one thing in particular about it all that is upsetting me, just that its happening I guess.  I debated about telling my husband that I was feeling upset last night, cuz I didn't think it would change anything about my mood, but thought maybe it would help.  Well it didn't really, it just reminded me that there really isn't he could say or do to help with this.  We cuddled and he offered to talk about things, but I didn't even know where to start talking about stuff.  So instead of feeling any better, I just felt a little worse that he couldn't help at all.  I know hes trying, and honestly I don't know what he could have done different so its not his fault, I just want him to be magic I guess.  We never use to have this problem, and that just frustrates me more.  I think its going to be a long day.

April 23,2013

Some days I get annoyed at how much my husband pushes for me to go to certain stores that have good LGBT policies, or look in to certain camps are are inclusive.  Don't get me wrong I don't really want my money going to companies that will give it to hate groups, but I'm also getting tired of the fact that I have to research before I shop places.  I wanted to check hobby lobby for some fabric the other day, cuz after looking in all of the other fabric stores, I couldn't find what I wanted, and I got attitude from my husband.  I haven't shopped there in over 8 months, and then walking into it once, got him all angry on the matter. Now I don't put all of the blame on my husband, I understand where he is coming from, and I agree that we should always try to shop at places that don't discriminate, but stores make it so complicated.  It doesn't even end at stores, I've been looking into preschools for my oldest son, and we have to make sure they are arn't discriminating either.  Now we are starting to look at summer camp stuff, and we have to put research into them too.  Don't get me wrong I would research these things anyways, wanting to get him in a good program, but looking for what teaching method they use is a lot easier to find then their discrimination policy.

I know there are a lot more important things to concentrate on, but this one is bothering me right now.  It doesn't normally, I'm happy to shop at places that don't discriminate, but it would be so much nicer if it simply wasn't legal to, and I could shop where ever the hell I want!!

March 26,2013

My husband made a good point.. I should have shared the link to the blog that I was talking about.  http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/  She is such a strong woman to go through this with her spouse.  I really hope that I can make it through all of this like she has.

March 25, 2013

So I finally found another blogger that is a TS spouse.  It was nice to hear about someone who knows what I am going through.  While reading her blog, she brought up a lot of things I had never thought of.  My husband and I talked about a lot of things last night.  Some was just opinions on some of the topics, but we also talked about what he wants to be trying.  He wants clothes.  He wasn't sure what kind of clothes he wanted yet, but just knew that he wants to start moving in that direction.  Hes not ready to go out in public dressed like a women yet, but wants to have the option to at home at least.  So after some talking I suggested that we maybe start with some somewhat gender neutral woman's jeans.  Then he asked what about underwear.  I told me we could try.  The best part about the changes in clothing is that it can come off.  If some days its just to much for me, he will take it off, and put his man clothes on.  He knows there is an adjustment period with every change he makes.  I know a while back I had mentioned our compromise we had, about going back and forth with shaving, and nail length, and if the PJ pants were to much he would change.  I haven't had to ask him to change anything.  I've become pretty comfortable with it all.  Every once in a while I ask him to cut or file his nails, but its generally when they start getting to a length I don't even like when my own nails get.  Every little step is hard, but then it gets easier again.  I think as long as we keep talking about it all before it happens we can make it work.  I love him so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how little his gender effects the things I love about him.

March 18, 2013

So I talked to the therapist today, we were suppose to go see her tonight.  I got a price quote from her, and it was $150 for the first session and then $110 for the rest.  We just can't afford it, and unlike most insurances, our is terrible and doesn't cover mental health.  So after tons of research, and talking to the therapist, we have to drive hour to and hour and a half to find someone who actually has the ability to help us.  I just think thats crazy.  How do we not have anyone within a hour's drive that we could go to for help with this

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were talking about shopping, and places we like to shop and such, and the conversation went on about places I avoid shopping (because of either anti-gay polity, or they donate to anti-gay organisations).  This friend is Bi and I was surprised to her her tell me that she didn't really care, and that she shopped at those places anyways.  Her reasoning being that she had never been discriminant against, so she didn't see the big deal.  I was a little bothered by her selfishness.  We fear my husbands work finding out because there is nothing to protect him, and when he finishes becoming a woman, the looks we are going to get from people who think we are disgusting because we will be two women.  Those anti-gay groups are supporting those kind of actions.   In fact the town we live in just last year shot down a anti-discrimination law for LGBT's.  So I just felt like, her life was easy so why support other's who have a much harder time about this kind of stuff.  I know that the store's i'm not shopping at are still going to give money to those groups, and I know that my not shopping there isn't likely making much of a difference in the big picture, but at least I know that I am not funding them.  I know to each their own and all, I just thought she would be more active for the cause then she is is all.

March 15th, 2013

I've just been feeling down for the last week or so.  I feel like there is so much stress in my life I don't even know what to try to concentrate on.  My 7 month old is getting fitted for a helmet next week because of a flat spot on his head, my mother-in-law is making stress every way she can, and when my husband tries to deal with her, she just claims it me, of course money (or the lake of it) and then there is the matter of my husband being a woman, that is always looming in the back of my mind.  I have a support group that I have built up, my husband,  my mom, and several close friends.  But none of them understand.  They can't even begin to understand what I'm going through.  I want to cry all the time. in fact writing this is bringing on the tears that I've been holding back all week.  I so wish that I could just find 1 person who is going through something like this to talk to.  Someone who has to deal with the regular stresses of family life with this mixed in.  

I try to talk to my husband about it, and he wants to help, but he just never knows what to say.  I don't think it helps that right now I can't even express what is stressing me out more.  I so want to get out of this funk, but I don't know how.  I feel lost, alone, and like I'm just going through the motions of the day.  I try to get out of the house and keep the kids involved with their friends, and I get a nice distraction for a few hours, but then I just come home, and I'm right back to feeling like crap.  

I did finally contact a therapist.  My husband promised me (after the first week couple of weeks) that he would find us someone to talk to about all of this, and I just got more upset about it because I knew he wouldn't follow through with it.  He forgets about promises like that all the time, he means well I know.  He even got my hopes up after he promised, the next day he was trying to look up someone we could go to.  But thats as far as he ever got.  I found the therapist though a LGBT rights group that had the therapist listed on a group of local business that was LGBT friendly.  She got back to me right way, but her assistant was suppose to contact me about costs, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet.  

Its so early on, and there arn't any more changes planned for several years, but I'm having a hard time deal with this, so how am I suppose to deal with the big changes.  

February 18th 2013

Things have been going really good again.  It hasn't been a constant on my mind, but we have also been really busy, so I haven't had time to think.  We have been looking at preschools for our oldest son, and my mom came to visit for my birthday and to see the boys, then some more preschool stuff, and colds, and blizzards.  Things have finally settled down and of course my brain has started working again.

I was all excited to tell my husband about some article I read about home a transsexual came out at work by sending everyone a letter/email.  I thought I'm looking into things, and helping him out.  But all he said was that "yeah thats pretty normal".  I kinda felt like I just got the we duh, of course thats what I'm gonna do.  Its like every time I find something that I think might help or add to things then, he just like yeah I already knew that, so whats the point in me trying to find info and help.  Plus I tell him about everything I read, and think, but he seems to read all kinds of things, and never tells me anything about them.  I'm just left in the dark to figure things out on my own.  I haven't talked to him about this, I don't want him to only start telling me things because I want him to, I want him to want to share things with me.  To help me figure things out the way I've been trying to help him.

To make all of my stress worse right now, my mother-in-law and I don't get a long at all.  She has recently starting fighting with me yet again.  Most of the things she says I just say whatever and try to let it go, but this time she was telling me how shes making a book for my kids so they can see that I'm a horrible mother who never lets them see their grandparents, and how everything is my fault.  How one day they will understand the truth about me.  I would die for my boys, I give them the best of everything I can, and I sacrifice everything for them.  To think that with all I do for them, she can sit there and call me a horrible mother just kills me.  Is there more I should be doing for my boys?  Am I not doing enough?  Are they really suffering because of me?  If I'm already messing up their life, what is this change gonna do to them on top of that?  I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I'm still in the middle of the emotions right now so its just where my mind is going.  She doesn't know yet about what we are going through, and I think I am more nervous of how she will react then my husband is.  I can just see her somehow blaming this all on me (cuz to her everything is my fault).  While I really don't care if this one thing is my fault, if I helped him to realize who he is inside, then thats fine.  I'm happy that hes happy, but I really really don't need her blaming me for something else.

I have spent most of the afternoon crying because of my mother-in-law, and its just making my mind wonder.  To add to it all my husband has been busy at work, so hes not really responding to my texts, and he refuses to talk to his mom for me (not that it matters, since she just assumes that I'm emailing her from his email).  Every time I ask him to talk to her, he just tells  me he doesn't know what to say to her.  Like I do???

I know this post is off topic, but its my blog and I'll vent how I want to :-P

February 1, 2013

I know I had said in my last post that I felt like my husband and I were finally being able to compromise on a couple things, but I realized last night that we weren't really compromising, he was just slowing down on some things for me.   Don't get me wrong he was very sweet to do that for me, but its not really a compromise.  I thought of some ways to change it up a little bit and hopefully will make us both  happy.  Instead of just keeping his nails short and trimmed, I suggested to either grow them out and I will just tell him when they are getting to long, and ask him to cut them then, or I can help show him how to keep them filed, so they will stay at a more medium length.  He liked the idea of leaning to keep them filed, so I think this weekend I will help show him how I do it at least.  And as for his shaved legs, I suggested that maybe we go back and forth for a while.  Right now he is growing the hair back out, and I'm pretty excited to have his hairy legs back.  After he lets it grow out for a while he will then shave for a while again, and go back and forth like that for a while while I adjust to all of the changes happening.  I wish there was a how to on this kind of thing, but there isn't even a suggested guild line  so we are just making all up as we go along.

January 30, 2013

I've been stressing out lately about how this is going to work.  Can I really live like this for the rest of my life?  I can't even handle him shaving his legs how am I going to handle when he wants to dress like a woman, or take hormones!!  Today I finally realized that it hasn't even been a month, so I think its OK for me to be freaking out a lot.  I'm hoping in 6 months to a year the little stuff will get easier.  For now I just need to not think about how hard it will be long term if it stays like this and in stead focus on things getting easier.

January 29, 2013

I know its been a while, but it has been a super busy week.  We had a family thing this weekend, and so I spent most of last week cooking to get ready for it.

Mostly the last week has been pretty good, we had a pretty big rough spot last Wednesday.  There was a lot of talk about money, and how this was going to make things extra expensive, and I tried talking to some girl friends about it, but I don't know how much it helped.  My husband surprised me by coming home from work early, to try to make me feel better.  At first I was kinda excited he came home, but when I started getting upset and he acted like he didn't notice, and stayed out of the kitchen (where I was baking for the weekend) I just ended up being pissed at him.  I can't even tell you how many times I cried that day.  I don't really remember details to it all (I wish I would have been able to write on here sooner) but eventually we got past it and talked it out.

Most of the rest of the week went fine until Friday night.  We were down with my family and my husband heard my Dad and cousin make some comments about the transsexuals in the keys.  I'm not sure what exactly they said, he was to upset to tell me exactly what was said.  So we ended up going to bed kinda early that night because he just wasn't in the mood to go back down stairs, and I didn't want to leave him alone, I would just keep worrying that he was crying again and I didn't notice.  I was a little annoyed because I wanted to hang out with my family, but I also completely understood why he was upset, and wasn't about to leave him alone.

After that the weekend went great again till late Sunday.  My husband when to brush my cheek, and he brushed it with his newly grown nail, and it really kinda weirded me out.  It seems like such a little thing, but every time I saw his nails it bothered me for some reason.  So I told him, and he promised to cut them for me, and he did end up doing it that night.  The next night, things still just seemed off.  I realized it was his legs.  He had been shaving for a few weeks now, and it wasn't bothering me at all till last night.  I can't even really describe exactly how it made me feel, but I couldn't stand to touch his legs.  It didn't matter if it was with my hands or with my legs when.  I couldn't stand the feeling.  I felt bad talking to him about it, I mean just the night before I asked him to start cutting his nails, and now I couldn't stand his legs.

We talked about it a lot last night, and he said he would stop shaving for a while, but that I had to still let him have something, like still wearing his pajama pants from time to time.  He also asked that I let him know if I can think of anything that I would be ok with him doing to keep the change going.  It finally felt like there was some compromising instead of just me giving up things.  I also suggested he make a list of things he would like to change, like going back to shaving his legs, and growing his nails etc..  This would give me a way to see what he wants to start doing, and think about if they are things that I can handle or not.  It also makes it so things like wearing his woman's pajama pants, I can just tell him today would be a fine day to do that.  I'm hoping it will be a way to introduce more things in, and hopefully make them a little easier for me, and allow him to tell me how he would like to express himself, and it will give me a heads up to what is on his mind.  I don't know if this will work, but all we can really do is just keep trying things until we find out what will work for us.

January 22, 2013

I'm so frustrated with my husband right now.  We've been living pay check to pay check for a long time now, and I thought things were gonna start loosening up, but now there are gonna be so many extra bills for him.  We're gonna start going to therapy together soon, and he wants to start the electric facial hair removal treatment thing too.  I can help but think what about what I want? What about my hopes and dream for the future?  Do they not matter now because his are more important?  He was upset about the money stress last night too (after I brought it up) by then end of the conversation (which was more both of us laying in bed really upset and not talking) I told him not to worry about it, I always make things work.  The only way I can see to make it all work is to give up everything I want, so he can have what he wants.  I'm not real sure how its fair, but we can't both have what we want, and he hasn't offered a compromise.  So now on top of slowly losing the man I married, I'm also giving up on most of my dreams so he can have his. 

I didn't have any really fancy dreams, but I wanted to do some home improvements, and it would be nice to actually have a savings.  I really want him to tell me that we can just keep living how we are.  He tells me he's happy so why can't we just stay like this.  I know that's a naive thought, that he's not getting to be who he really is.  I guess I just don't understand how he can tell me he's happy and also want to change everything about our relationship. 

Our oldest son has been begging us to get him a puppy, and I want so bad for the boys to grow up with a dog like I did, but that's just another expense that I don't think we can make work anymore. 

January 20, 2013

Friday I went out with some good friends, and we talked about a lot of things.  It did help a little bit, but mostly it gave me more to think about.  Last night we met with someone from the straight spouse network.  She offered me several online groups to join as well as a local group.  She gave me a lot of hope.  Her situation is different then ours, her husband came out as gay several years ago.  What gave me hope is that while they are divorced, they are still great friends.  I want to say that my husband and I will come out of this staying together, but if that can't happen I want to at least still be best friends. 

January 17, 2013

Wow I'm actually getting some traffic on the site now!  I just hope that at least some of it is actual people and not just spam sites. 

Things have been going well again.  My husband talked me into telling a couple good friends about what we are going through so I would have someone to talk to.  I almost felt like I was coming out myself.  I was so nervous to tell them, what if they freaked out and didn't want to talk to us any more?  What are they gonna start saying behind our back?  But I finally just did it, and I was overwhelmed by their support that I cried.  It felt so good to tell them, and even better when the reaction was simply what can we do to help.  Now we are planning to meet tomorrow night for ice cream and to talk.  Saturday my husband and I are planning to meet up with someone who runs a straight spouse support group that I'm hoping to get involved in.  Looks like there will be lots of support coming my way, and it is giving me so much hope that we really can beat the odds and make it through all of this!

January 15, 2013

Last night was another down hill.  Not really any new emotions, but still the feeling of why do I have to deal with this, how is fair.  I hate when I get that thought in my head.  For one I feel overly depressed because of it, but I also feel guilty for feeling that way.  Like I'm not being understanding enough for my husbands sake.  Then he tells me that he was getting upset that I made a few jokes about some of the changes he been making.  My jokes weren't meant to hurt him, we always joke around about stuff, they were just my way of dealing.  I just ended up feeling like I've been failing him.  By the end I couldn't sleep.  He couldn't think of anything to even try to make me feel better, and it only made me feel worse, like my feeling was justified.  So I just laid in bed, trying as hard as I could sleep, but failing.  To make matters worse our older son kept waking up crying last night. 

I do have to give credit to my husband, he did at least learn from the other day.  When his alarm went off he snoozed it and just cuddled with me for a while.  It might not have solved any problems, but it did make my day start on a much better note. 

January 12, 2013

Things have gotten better again.  After getting lots of emotions and fears out we both feel better.  I read up on some of the things I was worried about, mostly hormone treatments.  We weren't sure of all of the effects it would have.  One of the important ones for us was weather or not it would make him sterile.  Turns out it does (which is kinda what we thought).  Oddly this made me feel better.  My husband kept telling me that its a slow process, but what did slow mean.  Knowing that the hormones will make him sterile means that that step won't be done until we are done having kids, and we have always talked about having 3 or 4.  So now I finally have some idea of a time frame.  I understand that this process is different for every couple, and that my husband really didn't know how thing were gonna go for sure.  Its just so reassuring that I don't have to worry about losing him male side quickly, we will have a few years to take lots and lots of baby steps.

January 11, 2013

I know I haven written in a few days, but things were going great, life was back to normal... until last night.  I think that it might be one of the worst nights so far.  I'm just angry. 

How is it fair that I have to go through all of this. I was perfectly happy with how life was.  We have 2 great kids, a nice house, a good group of friends.  Really I had reached a point where there wasn't really anything else to want.  I would love to have a little girl, but I would have been happy just having another kid.  Now I don't know if I want anymore kids at all.  Do I bring more kids into so much uncertainty?  I just keep thinking of all the stories you hear about kids getting bullied, and killing themselves, and if they do get bullied over this I will feel like I have failed them.  My husband tried reassuring me that kids of lesbian couples turn out just fine, but were not really a lesbian couple.  He wants to think of us that way, but no matter how much he wants it to be that way, it never really can, I am straight.  Am I suppose to change who I am for him?

I feel like I'm giving up some of my happiness so he can have all if his.  I loved life the way it was, I saw nothing but great things to come.  But now I just see worry and stress, and losing my husband.  I've read a few blogs where they describe a mourning period, when you mourn the loss of your husband.  I think that I am worrying about when I'm going to lose him.  He keeps telling me he'll be the same inside, but will he?  He's already making it very clear that he want to do the hormone treatment, and that could change everything.  He kept wanting to hold me last night to try to make me feel better, and normally being wrapped up in his arms and up against his chest is all I need, but lat night all I could think was one day it's going to be a woman's chest.  It's not going to be as strong and muscly, it's going to have breasts. 

I have this little hope that he'll see how much this is hurting me, and everything its gonna put our kids through and he will decide to just keep things how they are.  But then I'm stopping him from being truly happy, and that wouldn't make me happy.  I don't know if I can be happy this way either.  I worry that I'm gonna end up resenting him for making us all go through this.  Its a terrible thing to say I know, but I only see a lot of trials in our future. 

He keeps telling me that there is still so many great things in front of us, but its all great things for him.  He's gets to change what he wants to, and I just slowly lose the things I love.  Don't get me wrong I love seeing him happy, and every time we take a step I can see all of his joy, I just don't know if I can be happy with it.

To make the night even worse, we went to bed upset.  Normally we're able to cheer up after these kinds of talks, but not last night.  I laid awake for a long time after he went to sleep.  I wanted to cry more, but I didn't have the energy.  I don't know what time it was when I finally did fall asleep, but I know it was after 2, and all of a sudden I heard my husband getting ready for work.  I didn't even hear his alarm go off.  I so wanted him to climb back in bed with me and hold me tight, and make me feel like everything was gonna be OK... but instead he just gave me the normal kiss, told me he loved me, and left.  I don't hold it against him that he didn't do what I wanted, its not like I said it out loud to him, but I really wish he did it.  I told him all of these thoughts and fears last night, and I know I upset him, but he kept demanding to know what I was thinking.  I kinda wish I had kept more of it to myself.

The only thing that got me out of bed today is my boys, they need their mom, and they need me to be strong through this.  I don't want them to see me cry, and I have to try my hardest not to snap at them through my frustration.  Instead I have been trying to keep myself concentrated on them and their well being, but it is hard to get these thoughts out of my head. 

I feel so depressed today, I've been trying to get myself to eat something all day, but I just can't. 

January 7, 2013

As my husband and I have been talking we've had to laugh a little bit about how we've missed a lot of signs.  We have been joking for years that he is a girl.  It was never big stuff, but he is a little more emotional, he likes to be held like a girl, wants cuddles after sex.  Nothing that was really extra girly, but enough to joke about.  He also told me a little while ago that he had a dream where he was a girl, and it didn't seem weird to him.  I didn't find that to be to different either, but maybe it was really a sign.  He just told me the other day that he also had day dreams where he was a girl.  I don't know maybe its normal for all men, or maybe it was just his undiscovered want to be a woman.  My husband has even admitted to other feelings that he says should have been a clue sooner, but he never thought about it at the time. 

One effect this has had that I never would have is on our sex life.  I don't know what it is, but our sex life has been amazing.  We haven't been this active in bed since before we got married. 

January 6, 2013

The other night I wanted to do something to show my support for my husband, and also find a change I could handle.  So I played with his hair.  We tried out a couple new styles, and ended up deciding that he needs to grow his hair of more before anything would really work for a girly style, but still came up with a new style. 

Yesterday I was feeling really good about where we stood with this.  In fact when we cleaning out our room I gave him some of my old skirts that don't fit me anymore.  He even tried them on in front of me, and it was OK.  I did have to giggle at him, I mean he was a man in a skirt, but he was so happy I was trying. 

Later in the day we took the boys out for some family fun, and we had a relaxing family dinner.  I surprised my husband by telling him we could go see if we could find some women's pj's that we both could agree on.  We did end up finding a pair, and he tried them on pretty much right when we got home, and wore them the rest of the night.  The rest if the night I just felt a little upset, I don't think it was because of the pj's, but I honestly don't know what was causing it. 

Today has overall been a really great day.  I feel like things are getting back to normal.  I think we have both expressed our fears about everything.  My husband has been amazing about all if this.  I know that he has a big journey in front of him, and I will be there for every step of it, but he has done everything he can to make things easier for me.  He is simply an amazing person.  I know times are going to get harder for both of us, but for now we have made it through some baby steps, and have found a happy calm together.

January 4, 2013

Yesterday really seemed like nothing had really changed.  The thoughts were still in the back of my head of course, but it didn't consume my every thought and feeling.  One of my worries has been that we wont ever get back to normal.  We have always talked things out in bed.  Its kinda weird, but its like our safe place, we can say anything and know it will be OK.  This doesn't just go for upsetting things, but sometime we just lay in there and talk about the kids, or vacation plans, just whatever comes to mind.

Last nights conversation centered around my worry of him losing all of his masculine side.  He has always ad a girly side, but we both really just thought it was part of him being bi, and never thought anything of it.  He's has decided (I don't think decided is the right term, but its the best one I can think of) that he is not bi at all, but a lesbian.  He asked me what I would miss, and honestly I drew a blank.  I mean there are the physical features, but I had a hard time coming up with emotional ones.  The best I came up with was his voice.  I love his voice!  He has already promised that he would still do all of the "man" jobs, and be my misses fix it. 

I still have the hardest time calling him a her.  I've started trying to use gender neutral words as much as I can, but its hard.  I don't think I am anywhere near calling him her. 

I want so much for this big to stay positive.  With all of the fear we both have, I want to be able to keep coming up positive.  I hope that when we hit the really hard times I can look back at this site and remember how much I love him for who is inside, and not just the man I married, but the person I love so much inside.

Folding laundry today I started to think how I'm gonna miss folding his clothes.  Last night he promised that we can keep his man clothes around, and he will dress up for me from time to time.  It still sounds really weird to me, my husband offering to dress up like a man from time to time.  But I got what he was trying to do, he's gonna try to still be my man when I need him to be, and its the sweetest yet oddest thing.  Even through all of this he is so good to me.

January 3, 2013

Last night I was filled with guilt.  We were cuddled up on the couch together and I was touching his shoulder and back, when the thought popped into my head that he asked not to talk about his masculine features that I liked.  I just started to feel guilty for loving those parts of him.  Before I could say anything we started talking about going to bed, so I figured that's fine I'll wait till we're in bed to bring it up.  Once we got in to bed he was a little upset, so I didn't say anything for a while.  He has been so supportive trying to see it all from my side too.  When I asked him what was wrong, he said he was just overwhelmed with everything, but there wasn't really anything to talk about.  After a little while he started to feel better so I told him about how I was feeling.  I could hear in his voice that I upset him again.  He told me that it was OK to love all of those parts still, and he didn't expect me to just not find his masculine parts attractive.  Then we both worried about how I will feel about him once he starts to change.  There were tears and hugs, I tried to console him by expressing some of his features that I knew would be the same, but ended up feeling like I made everything worse. 

We then started the long hard conversation of how he can really start changing.  I freaked out on this conversation.  I have implied that I wanted to wait a little, let myself get a grip on things.  I was thinking a month isn't a very long time, and he saw it as forever away.  Then the guilt hit me again, and harder then before.  I'm holding him back already, it hasn't been a week and I'm already trying to stop him from being her.  It was one of the worst feelings so far.  A wife is suppose to support her spouse, and I didn't feel like I was.  Then all of a sudden I got mad, did he really think that in less then a week I was just suppose to see him as a girl, and just be fine with the change?  He has had these feelings for weeks now, and has come to terms more with it all... I've had 6 days.  Once I put it that way to him he understood my side.  He told me he could wait a month, that he hoped to help make it OK for me sooner, but he could wait for me.  Then started the talk on where to start.  He suggested wearing women's pjs around the house.  He saw it as a little step, and for him it would be.  I mean wearing clothes you are comfortable in, in front of your family sounds like a great way to start.  That is unless you are the wife who will be looking at her husband in women's clothing.  Its a HUGE step in my eyes.  By the end of the conversation I think we found a way to make us both happy.  My husband has had long hair for a long time (actually its shorter now then it has been in a long time), so that is where we decided to start.  Nothing big, just trying a more feminine hair style.  I also suggested underwear as another early step.  He didn't suggest it cuz he thought it would be weirder for me, but I won't see it.  I'll know he's wearing it, but it won't be a constant reminder every time I look at him. 

No matter how upset we get, we make sure never to go to sleep upset.  We talk it all out until we can both smile and laugh.  Once we can start joking about it again then we know we've reached a strong point.  We're both the type to use jokes to lighten up a serious conversation.  Even after a night of crying, you can still wake up in the morning in a great mood if you can end the night with a smile.  Mind you I've been completely exhausted the last few days.  We keep staying up till 2 talking, and then we're both up early, him for work and me with our kids. 

Statistics say that we wont make it through this, and I think we both have that as a huge fear hiding in the back of our minds.  Our love is so strong, and I want to support him through all of his changes.  Somehow with everything he is going through he has still been my rock.  I often feel bad for being the one in tears, but he keeps telling me that its fine, and that I'm going through a lot too.  It takes an enormous amount of strength to tell your wife that you are really a woman.  I'm so proud to be his wife.

January 2, 2013

Last night we were laying in bed and I made a comment about his chest hair, it's always been something I loved.  I know its kind of a weird thing to bring up, but I do I love it.  After a few minutes had passed he asked me to try to stop talking about his manly features so much.  At the time he said it I understood right away.  He's trying to be a woman as odd as it still sounds in my head I understood as much as one on the outside can.  All of a sudden today I got mad at him for asking that of me.  I have spent the last 5 years expressing all of the manly features I loved about him, and now all of a sudden he expects me to just stop saying them?  I've never been attracted to women to even begin to think about a man's girly features.  Its just so natural to bring them up at this point I don't even think about it.  At least I don't think he expects me to all out stop saying those types of things, he does understand that is all new to me. 

The beginning

I have searched the internet and there are very few support groups and resources for the spouse of a transsexual, so I'm here to share our story with the world as it unfolds.  It has only been a few days since my husband of 3 years told me that he thinks he is really a women.  Before I get into all of those details I think it might help to start from the beginning.  Like I said before this blog is not only for me to get my thoughts out, but also to help other people going through the same transition, so I'm hoping some back ground information might help people relate. 

About 5 1/2 years ago he starting asking me out.  We had both just gotten out of really bad relationships, and I knew he was special so I wanted to make sure I was ready to date, not just a fling.  So finally I told him if he would answer a bunch of questions for me I would date him.  I asked him everything from religion to marriage, and how many kids and everything in between.  He sweetly sat there and answered everyone of my questions with a smile.  I knew then he was the one, he could put up with my crazies.  I don't remember exactly when the next part happened, but it was very early in our relationship.  He told me that he thought he was bi.  At first I kind of freaked out.  I have always considered myself a big supporter of the LGBT community, but I've never dated someone like that.  It took a few days to get use to, but it wasn't really a big deal.  I realized one day that all it really meant is that he picked me out of all the other women AND men, and that's pretty sweet.  2 years later we got married, and shortly after that we got pregnant with our first kid.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have been happily married to the man of my dreams.  Now it is time to change that thought and get use to the idea that he is a she.  When he first told me, he said he only thought he was a women.  I won't lie my first thought was that maybe he'll change his mind.  Then the next day he told me that he knew he was and saying it out loud to me is what made him know for sure.  I became overwhelmed with so many fears.  What if I'm not attracted to him as a women? What will our boys think? Will they et beat up in school? Can I Handel helping him through the change?  And so many more that I can't even think of them all right now. 

Basically I was terrified of what was to come.  I didn't know what he wanted to do (honestly I still don't really know), or how fast the change would happen.  He kept telling me how great he felt realizing who he really is, and all I could think was, does that mean he wasn't happy with how things have been?  I thought life was perfect was he miserable and I didn't even notice?

The day after he told me had to go to work.  I sat at home thinking/worrying.  When both of our boys were down for there naps, I sat on the couch and just cried.  There were more thoughts/ worries in my head then I could handle.  When he came home he could instantly tell I had been upset.  He asked about but I didn't want to hurt his feeling with my fears, and I didn't want to talk about it much in front of the kids. 

I think my biggest fear was hurting him by telling him all of my other fears.  The second night he made me promise to be honest with him, and to tell him everything I was thinking.  So I started to, but I was still holding back.  I wanted to make sure he felt my support and not just my fears.  By the next night I was so miserable with the thoughts in my head that I could hardly muster up a smile at my boys, so that night I came clean, I told him everything in my head.  He was hurt by some of the things I said, and some of them he was already thinking.  Most importantly by the end of the conversation we were laughing, smiling, and making jokes.  I was such a rollercoaster of emotions those first few days.  I would tell myself that I can handle this no problem, then I would drop into a big depression of worry.  After our last big talk that put all of our feelings out on the table, I just feel like we an do this.  We can beat the odds.  We have been through so much already together (our oldest son had complications at birth), this will just be another challenge to over come. 

I've read a few other blogs that talk about how important communication is through all of this, and I have to say they are right.  It has only been 5 days since my husband told me that he wants to be a woman, and we have such a long road in front of us.  I hope that before long I will stop calling him my husband and be OK calling her my wife.