As my husband and I have been talking we've had to laugh a little bit about how we've missed a lot of signs. We have been joking for years that he is a girl. It was never big stuff, but he is a little more emotional, he likes to be held like a girl, wants cuddles after sex. Nothing that was really extra girly, but enough to joke about. He also told me a little while ago that he had a dream where he was a girl, and it didn't seem weird to him. I didn't find that to be to different either, but maybe it was really a sign. He just told me the other day that he also had day dreams where he was a girl. I don't know maybe its normal for all men, or maybe it was just his undiscovered want to be a woman. My husband has even admitted to other feelings that he says should have been a clue sooner, but he never thought about it at the time.
One effect this has had that I never would have is on our sex life. I don't know what it is, but our sex life has been amazing. We haven't been this active in bed since before we got married.
I was just reading your post and this one really hit home, my spouse came out in Jan of 2010 and 2 weeks later I got pregnant with our second child.
ReplyDeleteAt that time, yes, the sex life was great. That was before HRT, once the changes started and sex became difficult and then uncomfortable and now it's been over 3 years since I have had that type of intimacy and some days it ticks me off, I miss felling like a desired woman and with that said, desired by a man. I am a heterosexual female and have no want or need to change my sexuality so though we are still together it is difficult now. Very difficult sometimes.
My spouse refers to that phase right after I was told that I no longer would have a husband instead a wife as the period "that I tried to F%&# the woman out".
Enjoy it now, I had read that your spouse is not currently on HRT at this time and that really changes things, at least for me it did.
Just wanted to share. I wish you all the best.
~Jenn
Thank you for sharing. I'm happy to know that people are finding my blog. Its good to know that there are other people making it work even though its hard. HRT scares me to be honest. He keeps telling me that its not gonna change anything, but from what I've seen online, and from a few spouses on blogs there will be a lot of changes.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best too.
Honestly, HRT changes everything.
ReplyDeleteThe once commitment to transition slowly or not at all will be gone. It will change to "I need to transition now". Intimacy will change, sexual function and desire will change. Emotionally, it's like being married to a moody teenage girl that wants to grow up too fast yet have nothing in life change. Tears will fall, tempers will flair, there will be arguments and heart ache.
Physically, the changes happen fast but in slow motion. I went away for a week with our daughter and when my spouse picked us up from the airport it was like seeing a different person for the first time.
The person you married, physically will be gone. Emotionally, the relationship will change. Some for better some for worse.
For those who say its the person on the inside that matters, the friendship and trust I call bullshit. With out a physical, intimate connection all you have is a best friend. Is that enough for he rest of our lives? For me, I struggle with the lose of intimacy. Not just sex but the connection, of feeling desired and wanted. While my spouse is attracted only to women, I am only attracted to men. So there in lines the problem and the struggles. I am 37 years old and I am lonely. Do I break up my family? Do I live my life without intimacy? Do I lose my best friend? Do I sacrifice my self for those I love most?
I don't have these answers and I know either way I lose. Yes I would be lost without my spouse in my life, part of me would be missing but part of me is missing now.
It's not an easy road, it sucks.
My spouse knows how I feel but holds hope that I will one day wake up as a lesbian. That I don't see happening and more than me waking up with my husband.
There is no right or wrong, it's a processes.
I once blogged and was actually treated pretty harshly by a trams woman. I ended my blog but will never forget the judgement I was given by someone who could not respect my struggle to find my place in all this.
Now that was a rare case but it did not help.
There are books, movies, blogs etc but the best advice I can give is to take it one day at a time. Reach out when you need to and know that no two relationships are the same. Only you can choose your path and you are the only one who can decide what makes you happy.
I'm here if you would like to talk and I really do wish you the best.
-Jenn
I know its hard to talk about this kind of stuff, but thank you! I feel like I am the only person going through this. I know there are others, but you never hear about it. I've tried talking to close friends about what I'm feeling and going through, but they just don't understand. I hate the phrase "telling about it so I can understand what you are going through". None of them can come close to understanding, this is a struggle like no other... as you know. My husband and I talk about everything, even the painful stuff, but he can't even understand what I'm going through, much like I don't understand what he's going through.
ReplyDeleteI would really like to be able to talk, and I'm happy to be a listening ear too. My email is Hellokittypink53@gmail.com.
I will email you this afternoon.
ReplyDeleteI think I am talked out with my spouse, I just want to not deal with transition any more. I'm kind of over it. Tired of it being a focus each day. I just want to move on with life. It is exhausting to deal with, emotionally and physically.
I wish I could say it will be easy but it sadly will not be.
You need to decide what is best for you, your spouse is doing the same thing. You are no less important in this journey.
It took me a long time to figure that out. I thought of all the struggles my spouse went through in hiding gender, being the person everyone wanted "him" to be even if its a lie that I put myself last. My struggles in childhood weren't as bad, my life wasn't a lie so I put myself last until I exploded.
I have just recently discovered that my wants in life, my needs and desires are no less important and are just as worthy of fighting for.
So while I support and understand my spouses need to transition and support this journey I wish I wasn't a passanger.
I am here as a friend and co-parent to our 2 children but I lost the connection, the intimacy along the way. That is okay, it happens but it is painful.
I had wanted more children, well that can't happen together, I miss intimacy, sex, the way my husband use to walk into the room and make my heart stop. I miss feeling like a woman, if that makes sense. In my spouse journey to become a woman I have lost my womanhood. I hate hurting everyone and I hate feeling like it's all my fault that everything is so difficult.
I'm babbling, sorry. It's just a hard journey and there is so many emotions and conflicts that I don't know what else to say. It's definatley a journey.