Last night I was filled with guilt. We were cuddled up on the couch together and I was touching his shoulder and back, when the thought popped into my head that he asked not to talk about his masculine features that I liked. I just started to feel guilty for loving those parts of him. Before I could say anything we started talking about going to bed, so I figured that's fine I'll wait till we're in bed to bring it up. Once we got in to bed he was a little upset, so I didn't say anything for a while. He has been so supportive trying to see it all from my side too. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he was just overwhelmed with everything, but there wasn't really anything to talk about. After a little while he started to feel better so I told him about how I was feeling. I could hear in his voice that I upset him again. He told me that it was OK to love all of those parts still, and he didn't expect me to just not find his masculine parts attractive. Then we both worried about how I will feel about him once he starts to change. There were tears and hugs, I tried to console him by expressing some of his features that I knew would be the same, but ended up feeling like I made everything worse.
We then started the long hard conversation of how he can really start changing. I freaked out on this conversation. I have implied that I wanted to wait a little, let myself get a grip on things. I was thinking a month isn't a very long time, and he saw it as forever away. Then the guilt hit me again, and harder then before. I'm holding him back already, it hasn't been a week and I'm already trying to stop him from being her. It was one of the worst feelings so far. A wife is suppose to support her spouse, and I didn't feel like I was. Then all of a sudden I got mad, did he really think that in less then a week I was just suppose to see him as a girl, and just be fine with the change? He has had these feelings for weeks now, and has come to terms more with it all... I've had 6 days. Once I put it that way to him he understood my side. He told me he could wait a month, that he hoped to help make it OK for me sooner, but he could wait for me. Then started the talk on where to start. He suggested wearing women's pjs around the house. He saw it as a little step, and for him it would be. I mean wearing clothes you are comfortable in, in front of your family sounds like a great way to start. That is unless you are the wife who will be looking at her husband in women's clothing. Its a HUGE step in my eyes. By the end of the conversation I think we found a way to make us both happy. My husband has had long hair for a long time (actually its shorter now then it has been in a long time), so that is where we decided to start. Nothing big, just trying a more feminine hair style. I also suggested underwear as another early step. He didn't suggest it cuz he thought it would be weirder for me, but I won't see it. I'll know he's wearing it, but it won't be a constant reminder every time I look at him.
No matter how upset we get, we make sure never to go to sleep upset. We talk it all out until we can both smile and laugh. Once we can start joking about it again then we know we've reached a strong point. We're both the type to use jokes to lighten up a serious conversation. Even after a night of crying, you can still wake up in the morning in a great mood if you can end the night with a smile. Mind you I've been completely exhausted the last few days. We keep staying up till 2 talking, and then we're both up early, him for work and me with our kids.
Statistics say that we wont make it through this, and I think we both have that as a huge fear hiding in the back of our minds. Our love is so strong, and I want to support him through all of his changes. Somehow with everything he is going through he has still been my rock. I often feel bad for being the one in tears, but he keeps telling me that its fine, and that I'm going through a lot too. It takes an enormous amount of strength to tell your wife that you are really a woman. I'm so proud to be his wife.
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