I have searched the internet and there are very few support groups and resources for the spouse of a transsexual, so I'm here to share our story with the world as it unfolds. It has only been a few days since my husband of 3 years told me that he thinks he is really a women. Before I get into all of those details I think it might help to start from the beginning. Like I said before this blog is not only for me to get my thoughts out, but also to help other people going through the same transition, so I'm hoping some back ground information might help people relate.
About 5 1/2 years ago he starting asking me out. We had both just gotten out of really bad relationships, and I knew he was special so I wanted to make sure I was ready to date, not just a fling. So finally I told him if he would answer a bunch of questions for me I would date him. I asked him everything from religion to marriage, and how many kids and everything in between. He sweetly sat there and answered everyone of my questions with a smile. I knew then he was the one, he could put up with my crazies. I don't remember exactly when the next part happened, but it was very early in our relationship. He told me that he thought he was bi. At first I kind of freaked out. I have always considered myself a big supporter of the LGBT community, but I've never dated someone like that. It took a few days to get use to, but it wasn't really a big deal. I realized one day that all it really meant is that he picked me out of all the other women AND men, and that's pretty sweet. 2 years later we got married, and shortly after that we got pregnant with our first kid.
For the last 3 1/2 years I have been happily married to the man of my dreams. Now it is time to change that thought and get use to the idea that he is a she. When he first told me, he said he only thought he was a women. I won't lie my first thought was that maybe he'll change his mind. Then the next day he told me that he knew he was and saying it out loud to me is what made him know for sure. I became overwhelmed with so many fears. What if I'm not attracted to him as a women? What will our boys think? Will they et beat up in school? Can I Handel helping him through the change? And so many more that I can't even think of them all right now.
Basically I was terrified of what was to come. I didn't know what he wanted to do (honestly I still don't really know), or how fast the change would happen. He kept telling me how great he felt realizing who he really is, and all I could think was, does that mean he wasn't happy with how things have been? I thought life was perfect was he miserable and I didn't even notice?
The day after he told me had to go to work. I sat at home thinking/worrying. When both of our boys were down for there naps, I sat on the couch and just cried. There were more thoughts/ worries in my head then I could handle. When he came home he could instantly tell I had been upset. He asked about but I didn't want to hurt his feeling with my fears, and I didn't want to talk about it much in front of the kids.
I think my biggest fear was hurting him by telling him all of my other fears. The second night he made me promise to be honest with him, and to tell him everything I was thinking. So I started to, but I was still holding back. I wanted to make sure he felt my support and not just my fears. By the next night I was so miserable with the thoughts in my head that I could hardly muster up a smile at my boys, so that night I came clean, I told him everything in my head. He was hurt by some of the things I said, and some of them he was already thinking. Most importantly by the end of the conversation we were laughing, smiling, and making jokes. I was such a rollercoaster of emotions those first few days. I would tell myself that I can handle this no problem, then I would drop into a big depression of worry. After our last big talk that put all of our feelings out on the table, I just feel like we an do this. We can beat the odds. We have been through so much already together (our oldest son had complications at birth), this will just be another challenge to over come.
I've read a few other blogs that talk about how important communication is through all of this, and I have to say they are right. It has only been 5 days since my husband told me that he wants to be a woman, and we have such a long road in front of us. I hope that before long I will stop calling him my husband and be OK calling her my wife.
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