January 4, 2013

Yesterday really seemed like nothing had really changed.  The thoughts were still in the back of my head of course, but it didn't consume my every thought and feeling.  One of my worries has been that we wont ever get back to normal.  We have always talked things out in bed.  Its kinda weird, but its like our safe place, we can say anything and know it will be OK.  This doesn't just go for upsetting things, but sometime we just lay in there and talk about the kids, or vacation plans, just whatever comes to mind.

Last nights conversation centered around my worry of him losing all of his masculine side.  He has always ad a girly side, but we both really just thought it was part of him being bi, and never thought anything of it.  He's has decided (I don't think decided is the right term, but its the best one I can think of) that he is not bi at all, but a lesbian.  He asked me what I would miss, and honestly I drew a blank.  I mean there are the physical features, but I had a hard time coming up with emotional ones.  The best I came up with was his voice.  I love his voice!  He has already promised that he would still do all of the "man" jobs, and be my misses fix it. 

I still have the hardest time calling him a her.  I've started trying to use gender neutral words as much as I can, but its hard.  I don't think I am anywhere near calling him her. 

I want so much for this big to stay positive.  With all of the fear we both have, I want to be able to keep coming up positive.  I hope that when we hit the really hard times I can look back at this site and remember how much I love him for who is inside, and not just the man I married, but the person I love so much inside.

Folding laundry today I started to think how I'm gonna miss folding his clothes.  Last night he promised that we can keep his man clothes around, and he will dress up for me from time to time.  It still sounds really weird to me, my husband offering to dress up like a man from time to time.  But I got what he was trying to do, he's gonna try to still be my man when I need him to be, and its the sweetest yet oddest thing.  Even through all of this he is so good to me.