I know I haven written in a few days, but things were going great, life was back to normal... until last night. I think that it might be one of the worst nights so far. I'm just angry.
How is it fair that I have to go through all of this. I was perfectly happy with how life was. We have 2 great kids, a nice house, a good group of friends. Really I had reached a point where there wasn't really anything else to want. I would love to have a little girl, but I would have been happy just having another kid. Now I don't know if I want anymore kids at all. Do I bring more kids into so much uncertainty? I just keep thinking of all the stories you hear about kids getting bullied, and killing themselves, and if they do get bullied over this I will feel like I have failed them. My husband tried reassuring me that kids of lesbian couples turn out just fine, but were not really a lesbian couple. He wants to think of us that way, but no matter how much he wants it to be that way, it never really can, I am straight. Am I suppose to change who I am for him?
I feel like I'm giving up some of my happiness so he can have all if his. I loved life the way it was, I saw nothing but great things to come. But now I just see worry and stress, and losing my husband. I've read a few blogs where they describe a mourning period, when you mourn the loss of your husband. I think that I am worrying about when I'm going to lose him. He keeps telling me he'll be the same inside, but will he? He's already making it very clear that he want to do the hormone treatment, and that could change everything. He kept wanting to hold me last night to try to make me feel better, and normally being wrapped up in his arms and up against his chest is all I need, but lat night all I could think was one day it's going to be a woman's chest. It's not going to be as strong and muscly, it's going to have breasts.
I have this little hope that he'll see how much this is hurting me, and everything its gonna put our kids through and he will decide to just keep things how they are. But then I'm stopping him from being truly happy, and that wouldn't make me happy. I don't know if I can be happy this way either. I worry that I'm gonna end up resenting him for making us all go through this. Its a terrible thing to say I know, but I only see a lot of trials in our future.
He keeps telling me that there is still so many great things in front of us, but its all great things for him. He's gets to change what he wants to, and I just slowly lose the things I love. Don't get me wrong I love seeing him happy, and every time we take a step I can see all of his joy, I just don't know if I can be happy with it.
To make the night even worse, we went to bed upset. Normally we're able to cheer up after these kinds of talks, but not last night. I laid awake for a long time after he went to sleep. I wanted to cry more, but I didn't have the energy. I don't know what time it was when I finally did fall asleep, but I know it was after 2, and all of a sudden I heard my husband getting ready for work. I didn't even hear his alarm go off. I so wanted him to climb back in bed with me and hold me tight, and make me feel like everything was gonna be OK... but instead he just gave me the normal kiss, told me he loved me, and left. I don't hold it against him that he didn't do what I wanted, its not like I said it out loud to him, but I really wish he did it. I told him all of these thoughts and fears last night, and I know I upset him, but he kept demanding to know what I was thinking. I kinda wish I had kept more of it to myself.
The only thing that got me out of bed today is my boys, they need their mom, and they need me to be strong through this. I don't want them to see me cry, and I have to try my hardest not to snap at them through my frustration. Instead I have been trying to keep myself concentrated on them and their well being, but it is hard to get these thoughts out of my head.
I feel so depressed today, I've been trying to get myself to eat something all day, but I just can't.
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