January 30, 2013

I've been stressing out lately about how this is going to work.  Can I really live like this for the rest of my life?  I can't even handle him shaving his legs how am I going to handle when he wants to dress like a woman, or take hormones!!  Today I finally realized that it hasn't even been a month, so I think its OK for me to be freaking out a lot.  I'm hoping in 6 months to a year the little stuff will get easier.  For now I just need to not think about how hard it will be long term if it stays like this and in stead focus on things getting easier.

January 29, 2013

I know its been a while, but it has been a super busy week.  We had a family thing this weekend, and so I spent most of last week cooking to get ready for it.

Mostly the last week has been pretty good, we had a pretty big rough spot last Wednesday.  There was a lot of talk about money, and how this was going to make things extra expensive, and I tried talking to some girl friends about it, but I don't know how much it helped.  My husband surprised me by coming home from work early, to try to make me feel better.  At first I was kinda excited he came home, but when I started getting upset and he acted like he didn't notice, and stayed out of the kitchen (where I was baking for the weekend) I just ended up being pissed at him.  I can't even tell you how many times I cried that day.  I don't really remember details to it all (I wish I would have been able to write on here sooner) but eventually we got past it and talked it out.

Most of the rest of the week went fine until Friday night.  We were down with my family and my husband heard my Dad and cousin make some comments about the transsexuals in the keys.  I'm not sure what exactly they said, he was to upset to tell me exactly what was said.  So we ended up going to bed kinda early that night because he just wasn't in the mood to go back down stairs, and I didn't want to leave him alone, I would just keep worrying that he was crying again and I didn't notice.  I was a little annoyed because I wanted to hang out with my family, but I also completely understood why he was upset, and wasn't about to leave him alone.

After that the weekend went great again till late Sunday.  My husband when to brush my cheek, and he brushed it with his newly grown nail, and it really kinda weirded me out.  It seems like such a little thing, but every time I saw his nails it bothered me for some reason.  So I told him, and he promised to cut them for me, and he did end up doing it that night.  The next night, things still just seemed off.  I realized it was his legs.  He had been shaving for a few weeks now, and it wasn't bothering me at all till last night.  I can't even really describe exactly how it made me feel, but I couldn't stand to touch his legs.  It didn't matter if it was with my hands or with my legs when.  I couldn't stand the feeling.  I felt bad talking to him about it, I mean just the night before I asked him to start cutting his nails, and now I couldn't stand his legs.

We talked about it a lot last night, and he said he would stop shaving for a while, but that I had to still let him have something, like still wearing his pajama pants from time to time.  He also asked that I let him know if I can think of anything that I would be ok with him doing to keep the change going.  It finally felt like there was some compromising instead of just me giving up things.  I also suggested he make a list of things he would like to change, like going back to shaving his legs, and growing his nails etc..  This would give me a way to see what he wants to start doing, and think about if they are things that I can handle or not.  It also makes it so things like wearing his woman's pajama pants, I can just tell him today would be a fine day to do that.  I'm hoping it will be a way to introduce more things in, and hopefully make them a little easier for me, and allow him to tell me how he would like to express himself, and it will give me a heads up to what is on his mind.  I don't know if this will work, but all we can really do is just keep trying things until we find out what will work for us.

January 22, 2013

I'm so frustrated with my husband right now.  We've been living pay check to pay check for a long time now, and I thought things were gonna start loosening up, but now there are gonna be so many extra bills for him.  We're gonna start going to therapy together soon, and he wants to start the electric facial hair removal treatment thing too.  I can help but think what about what I want? What about my hopes and dream for the future?  Do they not matter now because his are more important?  He was upset about the money stress last night too (after I brought it up) by then end of the conversation (which was more both of us laying in bed really upset and not talking) I told him not to worry about it, I always make things work.  The only way I can see to make it all work is to give up everything I want, so he can have what he wants.  I'm not real sure how its fair, but we can't both have what we want, and he hasn't offered a compromise.  So now on top of slowly losing the man I married, I'm also giving up on most of my dreams so he can have his. 

I didn't have any really fancy dreams, but I wanted to do some home improvements, and it would be nice to actually have a savings.  I really want him to tell me that we can just keep living how we are.  He tells me he's happy so why can't we just stay like this.  I know that's a naive thought, that he's not getting to be who he really is.  I guess I just don't understand how he can tell me he's happy and also want to change everything about our relationship. 

Our oldest son has been begging us to get him a puppy, and I want so bad for the boys to grow up with a dog like I did, but that's just another expense that I don't think we can make work anymore. 

January 20, 2013

Friday I went out with some good friends, and we talked about a lot of things.  It did help a little bit, but mostly it gave me more to think about.  Last night we met with someone from the straight spouse network.  She offered me several online groups to join as well as a local group.  She gave me a lot of hope.  Her situation is different then ours, her husband came out as gay several years ago.  What gave me hope is that while they are divorced, they are still great friends.  I want to say that my husband and I will come out of this staying together, but if that can't happen I want to at least still be best friends. 

January 17, 2013

Wow I'm actually getting some traffic on the site now!  I just hope that at least some of it is actual people and not just spam sites. 

Things have been going well again.  My husband talked me into telling a couple good friends about what we are going through so I would have someone to talk to.  I almost felt like I was coming out myself.  I was so nervous to tell them, what if they freaked out and didn't want to talk to us any more?  What are they gonna start saying behind our back?  But I finally just did it, and I was overwhelmed by their support that I cried.  It felt so good to tell them, and even better when the reaction was simply what can we do to help.  Now we are planning to meet tomorrow night for ice cream and to talk.  Saturday my husband and I are planning to meet up with someone who runs a straight spouse support group that I'm hoping to get involved in.  Looks like there will be lots of support coming my way, and it is giving me so much hope that we really can beat the odds and make it through all of this!

January 15, 2013

Last night was another down hill.  Not really any new emotions, but still the feeling of why do I have to deal with this, how is fair.  I hate when I get that thought in my head.  For one I feel overly depressed because of it, but I also feel guilty for feeling that way.  Like I'm not being understanding enough for my husbands sake.  Then he tells me that he was getting upset that I made a few jokes about some of the changes he been making.  My jokes weren't meant to hurt him, we always joke around about stuff, they were just my way of dealing.  I just ended up feeling like I've been failing him.  By the end I couldn't sleep.  He couldn't think of anything to even try to make me feel better, and it only made me feel worse, like my feeling was justified.  So I just laid in bed, trying as hard as I could sleep, but failing.  To make matters worse our older son kept waking up crying last night. 

I do have to give credit to my husband, he did at least learn from the other day.  When his alarm went off he snoozed it and just cuddled with me for a while.  It might not have solved any problems, but it did make my day start on a much better note. 

January 12, 2013

Things have gotten better again.  After getting lots of emotions and fears out we both feel better.  I read up on some of the things I was worried about, mostly hormone treatments.  We weren't sure of all of the effects it would have.  One of the important ones for us was weather or not it would make him sterile.  Turns out it does (which is kinda what we thought).  Oddly this made me feel better.  My husband kept telling me that its a slow process, but what did slow mean.  Knowing that the hormones will make him sterile means that that step won't be done until we are done having kids, and we have always talked about having 3 or 4.  So now I finally have some idea of a time frame.  I understand that this process is different for every couple, and that my husband really didn't know how thing were gonna go for sure.  Its just so reassuring that I don't have to worry about losing him male side quickly, we will have a few years to take lots and lots of baby steps.

January 11, 2013

I know I haven written in a few days, but things were going great, life was back to normal... until last night.  I think that it might be one of the worst nights so far.  I'm just angry. 

How is it fair that I have to go through all of this. I was perfectly happy with how life was.  We have 2 great kids, a nice house, a good group of friends.  Really I had reached a point where there wasn't really anything else to want.  I would love to have a little girl, but I would have been happy just having another kid.  Now I don't know if I want anymore kids at all.  Do I bring more kids into so much uncertainty?  I just keep thinking of all the stories you hear about kids getting bullied, and killing themselves, and if they do get bullied over this I will feel like I have failed them.  My husband tried reassuring me that kids of lesbian couples turn out just fine, but were not really a lesbian couple.  He wants to think of us that way, but no matter how much he wants it to be that way, it never really can, I am straight.  Am I suppose to change who I am for him?

I feel like I'm giving up some of my happiness so he can have all if his.  I loved life the way it was, I saw nothing but great things to come.  But now I just see worry and stress, and losing my husband.  I've read a few blogs where they describe a mourning period, when you mourn the loss of your husband.  I think that I am worrying about when I'm going to lose him.  He keeps telling me he'll be the same inside, but will he?  He's already making it very clear that he want to do the hormone treatment, and that could change everything.  He kept wanting to hold me last night to try to make me feel better, and normally being wrapped up in his arms and up against his chest is all I need, but lat night all I could think was one day it's going to be a woman's chest.  It's not going to be as strong and muscly, it's going to have breasts. 

I have this little hope that he'll see how much this is hurting me, and everything its gonna put our kids through and he will decide to just keep things how they are.  But then I'm stopping him from being truly happy, and that wouldn't make me happy.  I don't know if I can be happy this way either.  I worry that I'm gonna end up resenting him for making us all go through this.  Its a terrible thing to say I know, but I only see a lot of trials in our future. 

He keeps telling me that there is still so many great things in front of us, but its all great things for him.  He's gets to change what he wants to, and I just slowly lose the things I love.  Don't get me wrong I love seeing him happy, and every time we take a step I can see all of his joy, I just don't know if I can be happy with it.

To make the night even worse, we went to bed upset.  Normally we're able to cheer up after these kinds of talks, but not last night.  I laid awake for a long time after he went to sleep.  I wanted to cry more, but I didn't have the energy.  I don't know what time it was when I finally did fall asleep, but I know it was after 2, and all of a sudden I heard my husband getting ready for work.  I didn't even hear his alarm go off.  I so wanted him to climb back in bed with me and hold me tight, and make me feel like everything was gonna be OK... but instead he just gave me the normal kiss, told me he loved me, and left.  I don't hold it against him that he didn't do what I wanted, its not like I said it out loud to him, but I really wish he did it.  I told him all of these thoughts and fears last night, and I know I upset him, but he kept demanding to know what I was thinking.  I kinda wish I had kept more of it to myself.

The only thing that got me out of bed today is my boys, they need their mom, and they need me to be strong through this.  I don't want them to see me cry, and I have to try my hardest not to snap at them through my frustration.  Instead I have been trying to keep myself concentrated on them and their well being, but it is hard to get these thoughts out of my head. 

I feel so depressed today, I've been trying to get myself to eat something all day, but I just can't. 

January 7, 2013

As my husband and I have been talking we've had to laugh a little bit about how we've missed a lot of signs.  We have been joking for years that he is a girl.  It was never big stuff, but he is a little more emotional, he likes to be held like a girl, wants cuddles after sex.  Nothing that was really extra girly, but enough to joke about.  He also told me a little while ago that he had a dream where he was a girl, and it didn't seem weird to him.  I didn't find that to be to different either, but maybe it was really a sign.  He just told me the other day that he also had day dreams where he was a girl.  I don't know maybe its normal for all men, or maybe it was just his undiscovered want to be a woman.  My husband has even admitted to other feelings that he says should have been a clue sooner, but he never thought about it at the time. 

One effect this has had that I never would have is on our sex life.  I don't know what it is, but our sex life has been amazing.  We haven't been this active in bed since before we got married. 

January 6, 2013

The other night I wanted to do something to show my support for my husband, and also find a change I could handle.  So I played with his hair.  We tried out a couple new styles, and ended up deciding that he needs to grow his hair of more before anything would really work for a girly style, but still came up with a new style. 

Yesterday I was feeling really good about where we stood with this.  In fact when we cleaning out our room I gave him some of my old skirts that don't fit me anymore.  He even tried them on in front of me, and it was OK.  I did have to giggle at him, I mean he was a man in a skirt, but he was so happy I was trying. 

Later in the day we took the boys out for some family fun, and we had a relaxing family dinner.  I surprised my husband by telling him we could go see if we could find some women's pj's that we both could agree on.  We did end up finding a pair, and he tried them on pretty much right when we got home, and wore them the rest of the night.  The rest if the night I just felt a little upset, I don't think it was because of the pj's, but I honestly don't know what was causing it. 

Today has overall been a really great day.  I feel like things are getting back to normal.  I think we have both expressed our fears about everything.  My husband has been amazing about all if this.  I know that he has a big journey in front of him, and I will be there for every step of it, but he has done everything he can to make things easier for me.  He is simply an amazing person.  I know times are going to get harder for both of us, but for now we have made it through some baby steps, and have found a happy calm together.

January 4, 2013

Yesterday really seemed like nothing had really changed.  The thoughts were still in the back of my head of course, but it didn't consume my every thought and feeling.  One of my worries has been that we wont ever get back to normal.  We have always talked things out in bed.  Its kinda weird, but its like our safe place, we can say anything and know it will be OK.  This doesn't just go for upsetting things, but sometime we just lay in there and talk about the kids, or vacation plans, just whatever comes to mind.

Last nights conversation centered around my worry of him losing all of his masculine side.  He has always ad a girly side, but we both really just thought it was part of him being bi, and never thought anything of it.  He's has decided (I don't think decided is the right term, but its the best one I can think of) that he is not bi at all, but a lesbian.  He asked me what I would miss, and honestly I drew a blank.  I mean there are the physical features, but I had a hard time coming up with emotional ones.  The best I came up with was his voice.  I love his voice!  He has already promised that he would still do all of the "man" jobs, and be my misses fix it. 

I still have the hardest time calling him a her.  I've started trying to use gender neutral words as much as I can, but its hard.  I don't think I am anywhere near calling him her. 

I want so much for this big to stay positive.  With all of the fear we both have, I want to be able to keep coming up positive.  I hope that when we hit the really hard times I can look back at this site and remember how much I love him for who is inside, and not just the man I married, but the person I love so much inside.

Folding laundry today I started to think how I'm gonna miss folding his clothes.  Last night he promised that we can keep his man clothes around, and he will dress up for me from time to time.  It still sounds really weird to me, my husband offering to dress up like a man from time to time.  But I got what he was trying to do, he's gonna try to still be my man when I need him to be, and its the sweetest yet oddest thing.  Even through all of this he is so good to me.

January 3, 2013

Last night I was filled with guilt.  We were cuddled up on the couch together and I was touching his shoulder and back, when the thought popped into my head that he asked not to talk about his masculine features that I liked.  I just started to feel guilty for loving those parts of him.  Before I could say anything we started talking about going to bed, so I figured that's fine I'll wait till we're in bed to bring it up.  Once we got in to bed he was a little upset, so I didn't say anything for a while.  He has been so supportive trying to see it all from my side too.  When I asked him what was wrong, he said he was just overwhelmed with everything, but there wasn't really anything to talk about.  After a little while he started to feel better so I told him about how I was feeling.  I could hear in his voice that I upset him again.  He told me that it was OK to love all of those parts still, and he didn't expect me to just not find his masculine parts attractive.  Then we both worried about how I will feel about him once he starts to change.  There were tears and hugs, I tried to console him by expressing some of his features that I knew would be the same, but ended up feeling like I made everything worse. 

We then started the long hard conversation of how he can really start changing.  I freaked out on this conversation.  I have implied that I wanted to wait a little, let myself get a grip on things.  I was thinking a month isn't a very long time, and he saw it as forever away.  Then the guilt hit me again, and harder then before.  I'm holding him back already, it hasn't been a week and I'm already trying to stop him from being her.  It was one of the worst feelings so far.  A wife is suppose to support her spouse, and I didn't feel like I was.  Then all of a sudden I got mad, did he really think that in less then a week I was just suppose to see him as a girl, and just be fine with the change?  He has had these feelings for weeks now, and has come to terms more with it all... I've had 6 days.  Once I put it that way to him he understood my side.  He told me he could wait a month, that he hoped to help make it OK for me sooner, but he could wait for me.  Then started the talk on where to start.  He suggested wearing women's pjs around the house.  He saw it as a little step, and for him it would be.  I mean wearing clothes you are comfortable in, in front of your family sounds like a great way to start.  That is unless you are the wife who will be looking at her husband in women's clothing.  Its a HUGE step in my eyes.  By the end of the conversation I think we found a way to make us both happy.  My husband has had long hair for a long time (actually its shorter now then it has been in a long time), so that is where we decided to start.  Nothing big, just trying a more feminine hair style.  I also suggested underwear as another early step.  He didn't suggest it cuz he thought it would be weirder for me, but I won't see it.  I'll know he's wearing it, but it won't be a constant reminder every time I look at him. 

No matter how upset we get, we make sure never to go to sleep upset.  We talk it all out until we can both smile and laugh.  Once we can start joking about it again then we know we've reached a strong point.  We're both the type to use jokes to lighten up a serious conversation.  Even after a night of crying, you can still wake up in the morning in a great mood if you can end the night with a smile.  Mind you I've been completely exhausted the last few days.  We keep staying up till 2 talking, and then we're both up early, him for work and me with our kids. 

Statistics say that we wont make it through this, and I think we both have that as a huge fear hiding in the back of our minds.  Our love is so strong, and I want to support him through all of his changes.  Somehow with everything he is going through he has still been my rock.  I often feel bad for being the one in tears, but he keeps telling me that its fine, and that I'm going through a lot too.  It takes an enormous amount of strength to tell your wife that you are really a woman.  I'm so proud to be his wife.

January 2, 2013

Last night we were laying in bed and I made a comment about his chest hair, it's always been something I loved.  I know its kind of a weird thing to bring up, but I do I love it.  After a few minutes had passed he asked me to try to stop talking about his manly features so much.  At the time he said it I understood right away.  He's trying to be a woman as odd as it still sounds in my head I understood as much as one on the outside can.  All of a sudden today I got mad at him for asking that of me.  I have spent the last 5 years expressing all of the manly features I loved about him, and now all of a sudden he expects me to just stop saying them?  I've never been attracted to women to even begin to think about a man's girly features.  Its just so natural to bring them up at this point I don't even think about it.  At least I don't think he expects me to all out stop saying those types of things, he does understand that is all new to me. 

The beginning

I have searched the internet and there are very few support groups and resources for the spouse of a transsexual, so I'm here to share our story with the world as it unfolds.  It has only been a few days since my husband of 3 years told me that he thinks he is really a women.  Before I get into all of those details I think it might help to start from the beginning.  Like I said before this blog is not only for me to get my thoughts out, but also to help other people going through the same transition, so I'm hoping some back ground information might help people relate. 

About 5 1/2 years ago he starting asking me out.  We had both just gotten out of really bad relationships, and I knew he was special so I wanted to make sure I was ready to date, not just a fling.  So finally I told him if he would answer a bunch of questions for me I would date him.  I asked him everything from religion to marriage, and how many kids and everything in between.  He sweetly sat there and answered everyone of my questions with a smile.  I knew then he was the one, he could put up with my crazies.  I don't remember exactly when the next part happened, but it was very early in our relationship.  He told me that he thought he was bi.  At first I kind of freaked out.  I have always considered myself a big supporter of the LGBT community, but I've never dated someone like that.  It took a few days to get use to, but it wasn't really a big deal.  I realized one day that all it really meant is that he picked me out of all the other women AND men, and that's pretty sweet.  2 years later we got married, and shortly after that we got pregnant with our first kid.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have been happily married to the man of my dreams.  Now it is time to change that thought and get use to the idea that he is a she.  When he first told me, he said he only thought he was a women.  I won't lie my first thought was that maybe he'll change his mind.  Then the next day he told me that he knew he was and saying it out loud to me is what made him know for sure.  I became overwhelmed with so many fears.  What if I'm not attracted to him as a women? What will our boys think? Will they et beat up in school? Can I Handel helping him through the change?  And so many more that I can't even think of them all right now. 

Basically I was terrified of what was to come.  I didn't know what he wanted to do (honestly I still don't really know), or how fast the change would happen.  He kept telling me how great he felt realizing who he really is, and all I could think was, does that mean he wasn't happy with how things have been?  I thought life was perfect was he miserable and I didn't even notice?

The day after he told me had to go to work.  I sat at home thinking/worrying.  When both of our boys were down for there naps, I sat on the couch and just cried.  There were more thoughts/ worries in my head then I could handle.  When he came home he could instantly tell I had been upset.  He asked about but I didn't want to hurt his feeling with my fears, and I didn't want to talk about it much in front of the kids. 

I think my biggest fear was hurting him by telling him all of my other fears.  The second night he made me promise to be honest with him, and to tell him everything I was thinking.  So I started to, but I was still holding back.  I wanted to make sure he felt my support and not just my fears.  By the next night I was so miserable with the thoughts in my head that I could hardly muster up a smile at my boys, so that night I came clean, I told him everything in my head.  He was hurt by some of the things I said, and some of them he was already thinking.  Most importantly by the end of the conversation we were laughing, smiling, and making jokes.  I was such a rollercoaster of emotions those first few days.  I would tell myself that I can handle this no problem, then I would drop into a big depression of worry.  After our last big talk that put all of our feelings out on the table, I just feel like we an do this.  We can beat the odds.  We have been through so much already together (our oldest son had complications at birth), this will just be another challenge to over come. 

I've read a few other blogs that talk about how important communication is through all of this, and I have to say they are right.  It has only been 5 days since my husband told me that he wants to be a woman, and we have such a long road in front of us.  I hope that before long I will stop calling him my husband and be OK calling her my wife.