Friday, July 18, 2014

July 18th 2014

I know I haven't posted in a long time, things have just gotten crazy around here.  We were finally able to get pregnant with our third, and recently found out its a boy!  We also got a puppy a few months ago so she has been keeping me busy too.

As far as Katie transition, we are pretty much at a stand still.  She still hasn't started taking hormones or anything yet, and we are trying to get her more clothes.  She is waiting on the hormones until the baby is born, and we figure out if this is in fact our last one or if we want to freeze sperm or something as a way to make us both happy.  I am thinking I want another kid, but I also don't want to ask her to wait even longer to start her hormones, I know she is really excited to get to start them, and she has been very willing to wait this long already.  

I'm pretty sure last time I posted I talked had mentioned that we came out to all of our extended families.  This past weekend was the first time we saw my mom's side of the family since then, and I have to say it was awesome!  A few of my cousin's made a point to at least try to say Katie a few times, which made her very happy.  My one cousin is pregnant, and is having a baby shower in August, and told Katie that the guys were gonna be at the bar in the same building as the shower, and that she is welcome to come to the shower or hang out with the guys whatever she is more comfortable with.  I was grateful that my cousin just made that offer and I didn't have to ask later about what she would prefer.  All of my aunts and uncles treated her the same way they always  have.  No one tried to avoid her, or ask inappropriate questions.  It was a really wonderful vacation with my family.  

I also wanted to touch on how proud I am of Katie.  Her work doesn't have anything to protect her (or anyone of the LGBT community for that matter) from getting fired.  So he has started talking to HR and is working on getting policies put in place to protect LGBT people as well as protection spouses/domestic partners.  She came out to HR so that they can understand why it is very important to her, and also to have some policies put in place that will help make her transition there easier.  I'm really proud of her for putting herself out there not only for herself, but for anyone else who works there who isn't out.  The area we live in is very conservative so we have no idea how many other people there are LGBT.  Katie did hear of one woman who is a lesbian, and has a domestic partner who has kids, but she is not really out, she is forced to hide it because she is afraid of what would happen if she came out.  We're hoping that Katie and this other girl will be able to touch base with help of a mutual co-worker so that she knows she is not alone and could perhaps help Katie with the battle she is fighting.  It really takes a special kind of person to be willing to start a conversation like this at their place of work and try to get things changed.  

Sorry my post was kind of all over the place today, but I just wanted to give you all a quick recap of what we have been up to for the past few months :-)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

January 26, 2014

So a week or so ago we decided to email a large group of family (about 30 people) and tell them about Katie.  We got a few emails, and texts from a few people saying how wonderfully supportive they are of her (especially from her family).  My family has been trying to support us, they just seem to have a hard time with the idea that I might be ok.  They have been calling my parents asking about how I doing and what about the kids and so forth.  While I'm happy that they care about me and love me and want to make sure I'm ok, when I defend myself and say that I'm ok, and inform them how I feel its like they don't believe me.  One of my aunts in particular has been trying really hard to be supportive, but is kind of failing at it.  She has a friend who is trans and is married to another trans person, and she has been talking to one of them and getting info about how transitioning goes which is great!  However they have left her with the idea that transitioning only happens one way.  You HAVE to get the surgery or you will kill yourself, and you will spend all you money on her and how are you gonna pay for it all and so forth.  When I told her that as of now she doesn't feel she needs the surgery, and if that changed we would talk about it together and figure things out together, she told me that we had to figure things out now because shes not gonna wait... I think I know how my spouse feels more then she does.  I know there are a lot of trans people out there who can't just do it half way, they have to do it all, and that is fine, but that doesn't mean that all trans people have to do it that way.  She keeps telling me that I need to do what is right for me, and not put myself aside just for her, but then when I say that we are planning on having another baby because it has always been the plan and its what we decided on, she tells me I'm crazy and that it will cost us so much extra money... so when I do actually do something for myself she is against it?  That doesn't even make since.  I want 3 kids, so I put my foot down (with little fight from Katie on the matter) and asked her to let us finish our family before she started taking anything. She asked if I felt I could leave because I should be able to, and when I told her I could, she then told me that I shouldn't have to leave Katie should and she should pay me and the kids!  Uhh it was just like I had no right answer.  Is it so terrible that I can just accept my wife for who she is and just be happy with her how we are!! I might post more on this late, but for now my kids need me.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

December 31st 2013

Today is the last day of the year, and almost the 1 year anniversary of when my husband came out to me.  We were suppose to go to a new years eve party tonight with our play group, but we were forced to cancel.  One of our friends has a very high risk pregnancy, her older son was born at 31 weeks, and she is approaching that time with her current pregnancy, and so she can't risk getting sick at all, if she can avoid it, and our boys are getting over some colds.  She offered not to go so we could, but I felt bad since I am the one with kids who were sick.  We went back and forth about it, but I told her just to go and enjoy herself.  Now i'm kinda kicking myself for it.  I have been having some issues with depression lately and feeling lonely not being around my friends much lately, and I was hoping to get out and do something.  The frustrating part is that I just couldn't put my own needs first.  My boys aren't horribly sick or anything, just a cough and one of them has a runny nose.  They did have fevers but they have been gone for a few days now.  And don't get me wrong I understand her concern for not wanting to get sick, but what about me.  Why do I put myself last after everyone?  Why can I never put myself first? Its something that I know I really have to work on, but I feel so guilty putting myself first.  I have kids I should never come before them right?  Its all so complicated.

Its also been kinda hard that I have felt kinda outcast-ed from our play group over the last 6 months or so.  I don't know what has changed, a lot of us had kids start school, and some went back to work, and others got put on bed rest, a lot has changed for everyone.  Most of them hang out with each other still though.  Its a small group but its kinda like clicks formed, and mom's found their best friend of the group and that is who they hang out with all the time, but I ended up without one.  I have very low self esteem, and so my thoughts keep going to say that it must be because they don't like me, or they find me very annoying.  When I'm already feeling like this, and you add in my mother in law going on and on about how terrible of a person I am, I start believing it all must be true.  I like to think that over the last few years with my husband I have gained a lot of self esteem, and I have over all grow as a person in the last 6 years or so.  Then I start feeling like the odd man out with my friends, and to hear such horrible things said about me from a family member (who is getting her information from my ex-fiance's wife who is friends with my husbands sister... I know its kinda weird).  It just brings back so many feelings of bad times in my life when I didn't have it all together, and now I feel like I'm losing it all again.

I have tried expressing to at least one of my friends that I was feeling lonely and left out, with the hopes that she would ask to hang out or something, and she didn't, so that didn't really help things any.

Last year was a very long year, and I see next year being another long, here's hoping that I find something to look forward to in the next year.

I hope everyone has a happy new year!!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Facebook group

I don't know how many people read this blog, but I wanted to share with you all a group that I am starting on facebook.  I've made it secret so unless you are in the group you can't see the group, who is in it or what is posted.  I can't just share a link to the group because it wont show up for you if your not a member so please email me to get an invite to the group.  I'm planning for it to be a place where spouses of trans people can talk openly about the issues they are facing with out worrying about what others think.  A place to vent, as well as share the good news.

I also wanted to share another blog that is by a trans spouse.  I haven't finished reading though it all yet, but they are just getting starting with it all and I'm sure she would love some of you to visit her site

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I just wanted to put a quick post up about the group, hopefully I'll find time to put up a regular post soon :-)

Monday, December 2, 2013

December 2nd, 2013

After spending most of November stressing out about what we were gonna do for Thanksgiving we ended up going to my families instead of Jon's.  We wanted to go see his family but we just couldn't stand to see his parents and siblings.  It was the first time we saw my brother and sister in law since Jon came out to them.  I think we were both a little nervous, but my family is also wonderfully supportive.  They treated Jon the same way they always have.  When we went to my Grandma's house for thanksgiving it was great too!  My mom told me after we had been there for a while that my dad had told one of my aunts about Jon being trans, and she didn't say anything about knowing, but she also still treated him the same way she always has.  I know it has to be scarier for Jon to see people for the first time after coming out to them, but this week really showed us that we will always have my family.  We wont have to go at this alone.

On our way home we met up with a old friend of ours, and met his wife for the first time.  It was also the first time we saw them since we told them, and they were wonderful about it too.  I am very grateful for for all of our friends and family who have stood by us, and acted like nothing has changed!

I hope everyone reading had a happy Thanksgiving too!!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

November 7th, 2013

So about a month ago Jon finally told his parents and siblings.  At first we were surprised with how well things went.  His siblings haven't said a single word to us at all, but his parents said they thought he shouldn't rush into things and they would be willing to pay for a therapist for us.  Well that didn't last long till we found out that they wanted to pay for a therapist who would "fix" Jon.  When we would answer the questions they asked, they would come back and tell us that we were wrong, and inform us of how things in our life really are.  There was nothing we could say to answer their questions how they wanted.  So we suggested to them that they read some information that we sent them, and take some time to think things through, and get their thoughts together.  We were then told that they didn't want to read the text book cases, they wanted to hear it from us, and that they needed some time. So we tried to explain again, and again suggested they take some time to think about things.  They kept telling us they needed time, but also refused to take it.  As we kept trying to explain they just kept getting more aggressive towards me.  After a week of getting no where with them Jon decided to block them on facebook, and encouraged me to as well, which I did after I got another email that wasn't even focused on Jon anymore and had become focused on just attacking me. After that my MIL started emailing us.  Telling us that we were running away like scared children.  All we wanted was some relief from the stress they were causing.  They were saying things that will never be forgotten, and things that hurt both of us deeply.  Jon set it up so our email just deleted her emails so we don't even read them anymore.  She also told us that if we were going to Thanksgiving then they wouldn't be going because they couldn't see us and pretend like anything was ok.

After cutting her off, she wrote a letter to Jon's work.  She started out sounding like things might get better.  She said they had actually looked some stuff up, and it sounded like they might be trying to understand... she then spent the next 8 pages bashing me.  Telling Jon that I am this terrible person who does terrible things, and anything that I say about her is a lie, she even took it far enough to tell us that they have figured out what is wrong with me, and said that I am a sociopath, and that he should look it up and he'll see that it matches how I treat everyone.  She barely filled a page and a half trying to support Jon, and spent 8 pages attacking me.  I don't know how she thinks this will help anything.  She has just pushed her son away, and is blaming me on it.

Now I know it is hard to hear your son is really a woman.  It may even be harder then being the wife.  I did my best to keep that in mind though all of this as she questioned me as to why I stayed with him, and why I am still staying with him.  And even when she continued to tell me that things would change and things would get harder, and how do I know I wont leave him then.  It was when she followed all of that up with admitting that she just wanted to make sure I loved him.  Then went on to tell me how terrible of a person I am.  I understand blaming me for this. They need someone to blame, at least in the beginning, they don't want it to be their fault, so they want to blame me.  But to attacked me about things that don't relate to Jon being trans at all.

I know they are going through a lot, and our relationship has been going down hill for years.  But she has pushed us to not wanting to even talk to them or see them.  We were excited to go see Jon's extended family at thanksgiving since my MIL say they wouldn't be there if we were, but once we found out that they are still planning on going we have decided not to go.  We are crushed by it.  There is family that will be there that we haven't seen in a really long time, and we were excited to see them, but we just can't take the stress of seeing them.  Not after everything she has had to say about us.. well me.  I've had to be one on contacting Jon's aunts and letting them know we're not coming and why, and I think that has been even harder then all of the things his mom has said to me.  I don't wan to lie to to family, I don't think its right to lie for any reason.  I tried to be vague, and give simple reasons, but I still feel bad that we can't go see his family cuz his MIL is crazy.

Sorry if this post is kinda all over the place, I've just had this on my mind for a while now and wanted to get some of it out.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

October 2, 2013

I haven't written in a while. I have been busy, plus I guess I didn't know what to say. We have had a few ups and downs over the last few months.  One of the most recent downs was about who my husband was coming out to.  Don't get me wrong I'm very supportive of him coming out, however he's been only telling my family and friends.  It didn't really bother me that he was coming out to them, what got to me was the fact that when I expressed concern of a certain friend telling all of my old friends and I wasn't sure about how I felt about that, he acted like I was over reacting.  It ended up being a big fight... well not really a fit, but we were both upset.  We ended up talking it out and both admitted that we over reacted.

Out side of the transgender side of things, we had a rough month last night.   We have decided to have at least 1 (maybe 2) more kids before he starts hormones.  Last month we had miscarriage.  It was very early in the pregnancy, and we are able to try again right away, but all I could think is did I really need to go through this too!  We have really come to terms with the loss.

Going back to coming out, my husband has been struggling with the idea of telling his family.  I know I have posted on here before about how we don't get along well with his mom, shes also not very open minded.  He is terrified of her reaction, as well as of the reaction of the rest of his family.  We are suppose to go see his extended family for Thanksgiving and is afraid of telling his mom before then.  He's afraid that she might tell all of the family before he is read for them to know.  I wish I could help him with this, but outside of being there for him and supporting him, its something he really has to do for himself.

We have been talking about names lately, he had told someone that his girl name is Jessica, and I told him I didn't like that name!  I know to many people with the name Jessica, and I'm just not a big fan of the name.  We started looking at name lists and stuff, and he ended up really liking the name Katie.  I'm still coming around to it, but I don't really have a problem with it.  I think the only thing that makes me hesitate is simply the idea of having to pick a girl name for my husband.

I think I have finally accepted that he is transgender.  I know I am still using the he/his instead of she/her, in private from time to time I will call him my wife, and a few things like that.  Really I don't want to get to use to saying she and then slip and use she when talking about him to someone who doesn't know.  I have started trying to surprise him with clothes.  For his birthday I got him a pair of girl jeans and 2 shirts.  Its been a lot easier to see him in girl clothes then I thought it would be.  He has been wearing some girl PJ's for a while now, but jeans are a different thing.  Yesterday I surprised him with some underwear, as his boxers didn't really look right under his jeans.  He has been feeling a little self conscious in his girl clothes, so I have been trying to encourage him to wear them around the house and become more comfortable.  They don't fit like the clothes he is use to... plus his is still lacking the boobs that would change how they look too.

Overall I think our life has finally gotten to its new level of normalcy.  Its not what it use to be, but it is good, and filled with a lot of happiness.