February 18th 2013

Things have been going really good again.  It hasn't been a constant on my mind, but we have also been really busy, so I haven't had time to think.  We have been looking at preschools for our oldest son, and my mom came to visit for my birthday and to see the boys, then some more preschool stuff, and colds, and blizzards.  Things have finally settled down and of course my brain has started working again.

I was all excited to tell my husband about some article I read about home a transsexual came out at work by sending everyone a letter/email.  I thought I'm looking into things, and helping him out.  But all he said was that "yeah thats pretty normal".  I kinda felt like I just got the we duh, of course thats what I'm gonna do.  Its like every time I find something that I think might help or add to things then, he just like yeah I already knew that, so whats the point in me trying to find info and help.  Plus I tell him about everything I read, and think, but he seems to read all kinds of things, and never tells me anything about them.  I'm just left in the dark to figure things out on my own.  I haven't talked to him about this, I don't want him to only start telling me things because I want him to, I want him to want to share things with me.  To help me figure things out the way I've been trying to help him.

To make all of my stress worse right now, my mother-in-law and I don't get a long at all.  She has recently starting fighting with me yet again.  Most of the things she says I just say whatever and try to let it go, but this time she was telling me how shes making a book for my kids so they can see that I'm a horrible mother who never lets them see their grandparents, and how everything is my fault.  How one day they will understand the truth about me.  I would die for my boys, I give them the best of everything I can, and I sacrifice everything for them.  To think that with all I do for them, she can sit there and call me a horrible mother just kills me.  Is there more I should be doing for my boys?  Am I not doing enough?  Are they really suffering because of me?  If I'm already messing up their life, what is this change gonna do to them on top of that?  I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I'm still in the middle of the emotions right now so its just where my mind is going.  She doesn't know yet about what we are going through, and I think I am more nervous of how she will react then my husband is.  I can just see her somehow blaming this all on me (cuz to her everything is my fault).  While I really don't care if this one thing is my fault, if I helped him to realize who he is inside, then thats fine.  I'm happy that hes happy, but I really really don't need her blaming me for something else.

I have spent most of the afternoon crying because of my mother-in-law, and its just making my mind wonder.  To add to it all my husband has been busy at work, so hes not really responding to my texts, and he refuses to talk to his mom for me (not that it matters, since she just assumes that I'm emailing her from his email).  Every time I ask him to talk to her, he just tells  me he doesn't know what to say to her.  Like I do???

I know this post is off topic, but its my blog and I'll vent how I want to :-P

February 1, 2013

I know I had said in my last post that I felt like my husband and I were finally being able to compromise on a couple things, but I realized last night that we weren't really compromising, he was just slowing down on some things for me.   Don't get me wrong he was very sweet to do that for me, but its not really a compromise.  I thought of some ways to change it up a little bit and hopefully will make us both  happy.  Instead of just keeping his nails short and trimmed, I suggested to either grow them out and I will just tell him when they are getting to long, and ask him to cut them then, or I can help show him how to keep them filed, so they will stay at a more medium length.  He liked the idea of leaning to keep them filed, so I think this weekend I will help show him how I do it at least.  And as for his shaved legs, I suggested that maybe we go back and forth for a while.  Right now he is growing the hair back out, and I'm pretty excited to have his hairy legs back.  After he lets it grow out for a while he will then shave for a while again, and go back and forth like that for a while while I adjust to all of the changes happening.  I wish there was a how to on this kind of thing, but there isn't even a suggested guild line  so we are just making all up as we go along.