Today is the last day of the year, and almost the 1 year anniversary of when my husband came out to me. We were suppose to go to a new years eve party tonight with our play group, but we were forced to cancel. One of our friends has a very high risk pregnancy, her older son was born at 31 weeks, and she is approaching that time with her current pregnancy, and so she can't risk getting sick at all, if she can avoid it, and our boys are getting over some colds. She offered not to go so we could, but I felt bad since I am the one with kids who were sick. We went back and forth about it, but I told her just to go and enjoy herself. Now i'm kinda kicking myself for it. I have been having some issues with depression lately and feeling lonely not being around my friends much lately, and I was hoping to get out and do something. The frustrating part is that I just couldn't put my own needs first. My boys aren't horribly sick or anything, just a cough and one of them has a runny nose. They did have fevers but they have been gone for a few days now. And don't get me wrong I understand her concern for not wanting to get sick, but what about me. Why do I put myself last after everyone? Why can I never put myself first? Its something that I know I really have to work on, but I feel so guilty putting myself first. I have kids I should never come before them right? Its all so complicated.
Its also been kinda hard that I have felt kinda outcast-ed from our play group over the last 6 months or so. I don't know what has changed, a lot of us had kids start school, and some went back to work, and others got put on bed rest, a lot has changed for everyone. Most of them hang out with each other still though. Its a small group but its kinda like clicks formed, and mom's found their best friend of the group and that is who they hang out with all the time, but I ended up without one. I have very low self esteem, and so my thoughts keep going to say that it must be because they don't like me, or they find me very annoying. When I'm already feeling like this, and you add in my mother in law going on and on about how terrible of a person I am, I start believing it all must be true. I like to think that over the last few years with my husband I have gained a lot of self esteem, and I have over all grow as a person in the last 6 years or so. Then I start feeling like the odd man out with my friends, and to hear such horrible things said about me from a family member (who is getting her information from my ex-fiance's wife who is friends with my husbands sister... I know its kinda weird). It just brings back so many feelings of bad times in my life when I didn't have it all together, and now I feel like I'm losing it all again.
I have tried expressing to at least one of my friends that I was feeling lonely and left out, with the hopes that she would ask to hang out or something, and she didn't, so that didn't really help things any.
Last year was a very long year, and I see next year being another long, here's hoping that I find something to look forward to in the next year.
I hope everyone has a happy new year!!
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