April 24, 2013

I've just been feeling really down lately.  There isn't really one thing in particular about it all that is upsetting me, just that its happening I guess.  I debated about telling my husband that I was feeling upset last night, cuz I didn't think it would change anything about my mood, but thought maybe it would help.  Well it didn't really, it just reminded me that there really isn't he could say or do to help with this.  We cuddled and he offered to talk about things, but I didn't even know where to start talking about stuff.  So instead of feeling any better, I just felt a little worse that he couldn't help at all.  I know hes trying, and honestly I don't know what he could have done different so its not his fault, I just want him to be magic I guess.  We never use to have this problem, and that just frustrates me more.  I think its going to be a long day.

April 23,2013

Some days I get annoyed at how much my husband pushes for me to go to certain stores that have good LGBT policies, or look in to certain camps are are inclusive.  Don't get me wrong I don't really want my money going to companies that will give it to hate groups, but I'm also getting tired of the fact that I have to research before I shop places.  I wanted to check hobby lobby for some fabric the other day, cuz after looking in all of the other fabric stores, I couldn't find what I wanted, and I got attitude from my husband.  I haven't shopped there in over 8 months, and then walking into it once, got him all angry on the matter. Now I don't put all of the blame on my husband, I understand where he is coming from, and I agree that we should always try to shop at places that don't discriminate, but stores make it so complicated.  It doesn't even end at stores, I've been looking into preschools for my oldest son, and we have to make sure they are arn't discriminating either.  Now we are starting to look at summer camp stuff, and we have to put research into them too.  Don't get me wrong I would research these things anyways, wanting to get him in a good program, but looking for what teaching method they use is a lot easier to find then their discrimination policy.

I know there are a lot more important things to concentrate on, but this one is bothering me right now.  It doesn't normally, I'm happy to shop at places that don't discriminate, but it would be so much nicer if it simply wasn't legal to, and I could shop where ever the hell I want!!

March 26,2013

My husband made a good point.. I should have shared the link to the blog that I was talking about.  http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/  She is such a strong woman to go through this with her spouse.  I really hope that I can make it through all of this like she has.

March 25, 2013

So I finally found another blogger that is a TS spouse.  It was nice to hear about someone who knows what I am going through.  While reading her blog, she brought up a lot of things I had never thought of.  My husband and I talked about a lot of things last night.  Some was just opinions on some of the topics, but we also talked about what he wants to be trying.  He wants clothes.  He wasn't sure what kind of clothes he wanted yet, but just knew that he wants to start moving in that direction.  Hes not ready to go out in public dressed like a women yet, but wants to have the option to at home at least.  So after some talking I suggested that we maybe start with some somewhat gender neutral woman's jeans.  Then he asked what about underwear.  I told me we could try.  The best part about the changes in clothing is that it can come off.  If some days its just to much for me, he will take it off, and put his man clothes on.  He knows there is an adjustment period with every change he makes.  I know a while back I had mentioned our compromise we had, about going back and forth with shaving, and nail length, and if the PJ pants were to much he would change.  I haven't had to ask him to change anything.  I've become pretty comfortable with it all.  Every once in a while I ask him to cut or file his nails, but its generally when they start getting to a length I don't even like when my own nails get.  Every little step is hard, but then it gets easier again.  I think as long as we keep talking about it all before it happens we can make it work.  I love him so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how little his gender effects the things I love about him.

March 18, 2013

So I talked to the therapist today, we were suppose to go see her tonight.  I got a price quote from her, and it was $150 for the first session and then $110 for the rest.  We just can't afford it, and unlike most insurances, our is terrible and doesn't cover mental health.  So after tons of research, and talking to the therapist, we have to drive hour to and hour and a half to find someone who actually has the ability to help us.  I just think thats crazy.  How do we not have anyone within a hour's drive that we could go to for help with this

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were talking about shopping, and places we like to shop and such, and the conversation went on about places I avoid shopping (because of either anti-gay polity, or they donate to anti-gay organisations).  This friend is Bi and I was surprised to her her tell me that she didn't really care, and that she shopped at those places anyways.  Her reasoning being that she had never been discriminant against, so she didn't see the big deal.  I was a little bothered by her selfishness.  We fear my husbands work finding out because there is nothing to protect him, and when he finishes becoming a woman, the looks we are going to get from people who think we are disgusting because we will be two women.  Those anti-gay groups are supporting those kind of actions.   In fact the town we live in just last year shot down a anti-discrimination law for LGBT's.  So I just felt like, her life was easy so why support other's who have a much harder time about this kind of stuff.  I know that the store's i'm not shopping at are still going to give money to those groups, and I know that my not shopping there isn't likely making much of a difference in the big picture, but at least I know that I am not funding them.  I know to each their own and all, I just thought she would be more active for the cause then she is is all.

March 15th, 2013

I've just been feeling down for the last week or so.  I feel like there is so much stress in my life I don't even know what to try to concentrate on.  My 7 month old is getting fitted for a helmet next week because of a flat spot on his head, my mother-in-law is making stress every way she can, and when my husband tries to deal with her, she just claims it me, of course money (or the lake of it) and then there is the matter of my husband being a woman, that is always looming in the back of my mind.  I have a support group that I have built up, my husband,  my mom, and several close friends.  But none of them understand.  They can't even begin to understand what I'm going through.  I want to cry all the time. in fact writing this is bringing on the tears that I've been holding back all week.  I so wish that I could just find 1 person who is going through something like this to talk to.  Someone who has to deal with the regular stresses of family life with this mixed in.  

I try to talk to my husband about it, and he wants to help, but he just never knows what to say.  I don't think it helps that right now I can't even express what is stressing me out more.  I so want to get out of this funk, but I don't know how.  I feel lost, alone, and like I'm just going through the motions of the day.  I try to get out of the house and keep the kids involved with their friends, and I get a nice distraction for a few hours, but then I just come home, and I'm right back to feeling like crap.  

I did finally contact a therapist.  My husband promised me (after the first week couple of weeks) that he would find us someone to talk to about all of this, and I just got more upset about it because I knew he wouldn't follow through with it.  He forgets about promises like that all the time, he means well I know.  He even got my hopes up after he promised, the next day he was trying to look up someone we could go to.  But thats as far as he ever got.  I found the therapist though a LGBT rights group that had the therapist listed on a group of local business that was LGBT friendly.  She got back to me right way, but her assistant was suppose to contact me about costs, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet.  

Its so early on, and there arn't any more changes planned for several years, but I'm having a hard time deal with this, so how am I suppose to deal with the big changes.  

February 18th 2013

Things have been going really good again.  It hasn't been a constant on my mind, but we have also been really busy, so I haven't had time to think.  We have been looking at preschools for our oldest son, and my mom came to visit for my birthday and to see the boys, then some more preschool stuff, and colds, and blizzards.  Things have finally settled down and of course my brain has started working again.

I was all excited to tell my husband about some article I read about home a transsexual came out at work by sending everyone a letter/email.  I thought I'm looking into things, and helping him out.  But all he said was that "yeah thats pretty normal".  I kinda felt like I just got the we duh, of course thats what I'm gonna do.  Its like every time I find something that I think might help or add to things then, he just like yeah I already knew that, so whats the point in me trying to find info and help.  Plus I tell him about everything I read, and think, but he seems to read all kinds of things, and never tells me anything about them.  I'm just left in the dark to figure things out on my own.  I haven't talked to him about this, I don't want him to only start telling me things because I want him to, I want him to want to share things with me.  To help me figure things out the way I've been trying to help him.

To make all of my stress worse right now, my mother-in-law and I don't get a long at all.  She has recently starting fighting with me yet again.  Most of the things she says I just say whatever and try to let it go, but this time she was telling me how shes making a book for my kids so they can see that I'm a horrible mother who never lets them see their grandparents, and how everything is my fault.  How one day they will understand the truth about me.  I would die for my boys, I give them the best of everything I can, and I sacrifice everything for them.  To think that with all I do for them, she can sit there and call me a horrible mother just kills me.  Is there more I should be doing for my boys?  Am I not doing enough?  Are they really suffering because of me?  If I'm already messing up their life, what is this change gonna do to them on top of that?  I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I'm still in the middle of the emotions right now so its just where my mind is going.  She doesn't know yet about what we are going through, and I think I am more nervous of how she will react then my husband is.  I can just see her somehow blaming this all on me (cuz to her everything is my fault).  While I really don't care if this one thing is my fault, if I helped him to realize who he is inside, then thats fine.  I'm happy that hes happy, but I really really don't need her blaming me for something else.

I have spent most of the afternoon crying because of my mother-in-law, and its just making my mind wonder.  To add to it all my husband has been busy at work, so hes not really responding to my texts, and he refuses to talk to his mom for me (not that it matters, since she just assumes that I'm emailing her from his email).  Every time I ask him to talk to her, he just tells  me he doesn't know what to say to her.  Like I do???

I know this post is off topic, but its my blog and I'll vent how I want to :-P