March 26,2013

My husband made a good point.. I should have shared the link to the blog that I was talking about.  http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/  She is such a strong woman to go through this with her spouse.  I really hope that I can make it through all of this like she has.

March 25, 2013

So I finally found another blogger that is a TS spouse.  It was nice to hear about someone who knows what I am going through.  While reading her blog, she brought up a lot of things I had never thought of.  My husband and I talked about a lot of things last night.  Some was just opinions on some of the topics, but we also talked about what he wants to be trying.  He wants clothes.  He wasn't sure what kind of clothes he wanted yet, but just knew that he wants to start moving in that direction.  Hes not ready to go out in public dressed like a women yet, but wants to have the option to at home at least.  So after some talking I suggested that we maybe start with some somewhat gender neutral woman's jeans.  Then he asked what about underwear.  I told me we could try.  The best part about the changes in clothing is that it can come off.  If some days its just to much for me, he will take it off, and put his man clothes on.  He knows there is an adjustment period with every change he makes.  I know a while back I had mentioned our compromise we had, about going back and forth with shaving, and nail length, and if the PJ pants were to much he would change.  I haven't had to ask him to change anything.  I've become pretty comfortable with it all.  Every once in a while I ask him to cut or file his nails, but its generally when they start getting to a length I don't even like when my own nails get.  Every little step is hard, but then it gets easier again.  I think as long as we keep talking about it all before it happens we can make it work.  I love him so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how little his gender effects the things I love about him.

March 18, 2013

So I talked to the therapist today, we were suppose to go see her tonight.  I got a price quote from her, and it was $150 for the first session and then $110 for the rest.  We just can't afford it, and unlike most insurances, our is terrible and doesn't cover mental health.  So after tons of research, and talking to the therapist, we have to drive hour to and hour and a half to find someone who actually has the ability to help us.  I just think thats crazy.  How do we not have anyone within a hour's drive that we could go to for help with this

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were talking about shopping, and places we like to shop and such, and the conversation went on about places I avoid shopping (because of either anti-gay polity, or they donate to anti-gay organisations).  This friend is Bi and I was surprised to her her tell me that she didn't really care, and that she shopped at those places anyways.  Her reasoning being that she had never been discriminant against, so she didn't see the big deal.  I was a little bothered by her selfishness.  We fear my husbands work finding out because there is nothing to protect him, and when he finishes becoming a woman, the looks we are going to get from people who think we are disgusting because we will be two women.  Those anti-gay groups are supporting those kind of actions.   In fact the town we live in just last year shot down a anti-discrimination law for LGBT's.  So I just felt like, her life was easy so why support other's who have a much harder time about this kind of stuff.  I know that the store's i'm not shopping at are still going to give money to those groups, and I know that my not shopping there isn't likely making much of a difference in the big picture, but at least I know that I am not funding them.  I know to each their own and all, I just thought she would be more active for the cause then she is is all.

March 15th, 2013

I've just been feeling down for the last week or so.  I feel like there is so much stress in my life I don't even know what to try to concentrate on.  My 7 month old is getting fitted for a helmet next week because of a flat spot on his head, my mother-in-law is making stress every way she can, and when my husband tries to deal with her, she just claims it me, of course money (or the lake of it) and then there is the matter of my husband being a woman, that is always looming in the back of my mind.  I have a support group that I have built up, my husband,  my mom, and several close friends.  But none of them understand.  They can't even begin to understand what I'm going through.  I want to cry all the time. in fact writing this is bringing on the tears that I've been holding back all week.  I so wish that I could just find 1 person who is going through something like this to talk to.  Someone who has to deal with the regular stresses of family life with this mixed in.  

I try to talk to my husband about it, and he wants to help, but he just never knows what to say.  I don't think it helps that right now I can't even express what is stressing me out more.  I so want to get out of this funk, but I don't know how.  I feel lost, alone, and like I'm just going through the motions of the day.  I try to get out of the house and keep the kids involved with their friends, and I get a nice distraction for a few hours, but then I just come home, and I'm right back to feeling like crap.  

I did finally contact a therapist.  My husband promised me (after the first week couple of weeks) that he would find us someone to talk to about all of this, and I just got more upset about it because I knew he wouldn't follow through with it.  He forgets about promises like that all the time, he means well I know.  He even got my hopes up after he promised, the next day he was trying to look up someone we could go to.  But thats as far as he ever got.  I found the therapist though a LGBT rights group that had the therapist listed on a group of local business that was LGBT friendly.  She got back to me right way, but her assistant was suppose to contact me about costs, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet.  

Its so early on, and there arn't any more changes planned for several years, but I'm having a hard time deal with this, so how am I suppose to deal with the big changes.