November 7th, 2013

So about a month ago Jon finally told his parents and siblings.  At first we were surprised with how well things went.  His siblings haven't said a single word to us at all, but his parents said they thought he shouldn't rush into things and they would be willing to pay for a therapist for us.  Well that didn't last long till we found out that they wanted to pay for a therapist who would "fix" Jon.  When we would answer the questions they asked, they would come back and tell us that we were wrong, and inform us of how things in our life really are.  There was nothing we could say to answer their questions how they wanted.  So we suggested to them that they read some information that we sent them, and take some time to think things through, and get their thoughts together.  We were then told that they didn't want to read the text book cases, they wanted to hear it from us, and that they needed some time. So we tried to explain again, and again suggested they take some time to think about things.  They kept telling us they needed time, but also refused to take it.  As we kept trying to explain they just kept getting more aggressive towards me.  After a week of getting no where with them Jon decided to block them on facebook, and encouraged me to as well, which I did after I got another email that wasn't even focused on Jon anymore and had become focused on just attacking me. After that my MIL started emailing us.  Telling us that we were running away like scared children.  All we wanted was some relief from the stress they were causing.  They were saying things that will never be forgotten, and things that hurt both of us deeply.  Jon set it up so our email just deleted her emails so we don't even read them anymore.  She also told us that if we were going to Thanksgiving then they wouldn't be going because they couldn't see us and pretend like anything was ok.

After cutting her off, she wrote a letter to Jon's work.  She started out sounding like things might get better.  She said they had actually looked some stuff up, and it sounded like they might be trying to understand... she then spent the next 8 pages bashing me.  Telling Jon that I am this terrible person who does terrible things, and anything that I say about her is a lie, she even took it far enough to tell us that they have figured out what is wrong with me, and said that I am a sociopath, and that he should look it up and he'll see that it matches how I treat everyone.  She barely filled a page and a half trying to support Jon, and spent 8 pages attacking me.  I don't know how she thinks this will help anything.  She has just pushed her son away, and is blaming me on it.

Now I know it is hard to hear your son is really a woman.  It may even be harder then being the wife.  I did my best to keep that in mind though all of this as she questioned me as to why I stayed with him, and why I am still staying with him.  And even when she continued to tell me that things would change and things would get harder, and how do I know I wont leave him then.  It was when she followed all of that up with admitting that she just wanted to make sure I loved him.  Then went on to tell me how terrible of a person I am.  I understand blaming me for this. They need someone to blame, at least in the beginning, they don't want it to be their fault, so they want to blame me.  But to attacked me about things that don't relate to Jon being trans at all.

I know they are going through a lot, and our relationship has been going down hill for years.  But she has pushed us to not wanting to even talk to them or see them.  We were excited to go see Jon's extended family at thanksgiving since my MIL say they wouldn't be there if we were, but once we found out that they are still planning on going we have decided not to go.  We are crushed by it.  There is family that will be there that we haven't seen in a really long time, and we were excited to see them, but we just can't take the stress of seeing them.  Not after everything she has had to say about us.. well me.  I've had to be one on contacting Jon's aunts and letting them know we're not coming and why, and I think that has been even harder then all of the things his mom has said to me.  I don't wan to lie to to family, I don't think its right to lie for any reason.  I tried to be vague, and give simple reasons, but I still feel bad that we can't go see his family cuz his MIL is crazy.

Sorry if this post is kinda all over the place, I've just had this on my mind for a while now and wanted to get some of it out.

October 2, 2013

I haven't written in a while. I have been busy, plus I guess I didn't know what to say. We have had a few ups and downs over the last few months.  One of the most recent downs was about who my husband was coming out to.  Don't get me wrong I'm very supportive of him coming out, however he's been only telling my family and friends.  It didn't really bother me that he was coming out to them, what got to me was the fact that when I expressed concern of a certain friend telling all of my old friends and I wasn't sure about how I felt about that, he acted like I was over reacting.  It ended up being a big fight... well not really a fit, but we were both upset.  We ended up talking it out and both admitted that we over reacted.

Out side of the transgender side of things, we had a rough month last night.   We have decided to have at least 1 (maybe 2) more kids before he starts hormones.  Last month we had miscarriage.  It was very early in the pregnancy, and we are able to try again right away, but all I could think is did I really need to go through this too!  We have really come to terms with the loss.

Going back to coming out, my husband has been struggling with the idea of telling his family.  I know I have posted on here before about how we don't get along well with his mom, shes also not very open minded.  He is terrified of her reaction, as well as of the reaction of the rest of his family.  We are suppose to go see his extended family for Thanksgiving and is afraid of telling his mom before then.  He's afraid that she might tell all of the family before he is read for them to know.  I wish I could help him with this, but outside of being there for him and supporting him, its something he really has to do for himself.

We have been talking about names lately, he had told someone that his girl name is Jessica, and I told him I didn't like that name!  I know to many people with the name Jessica, and I'm just not a big fan of the name.  We started looking at name lists and stuff, and he ended up really liking the name Katie.  I'm still coming around to it, but I don't really have a problem with it.  I think the only thing that makes me hesitate is simply the idea of having to pick a girl name for my husband.

I think I have finally accepted that he is transgender.  I know I am still using the he/his instead of she/her, in private from time to time I will call him my wife, and a few things like that.  Really I don't want to get to use to saying she and then slip and use she when talking about him to someone who doesn't know.  I have started trying to surprise him with clothes.  For his birthday I got him a pair of girl jeans and 2 shirts.  Its been a lot easier to see him in girl clothes then I thought it would be.  He has been wearing some girl PJ's for a while now, but jeans are a different thing.  Yesterday I surprised him with some underwear, as his boxers didn't really look right under his jeans.  He has been feeling a little self conscious in his girl clothes, so I have been trying to encourage him to wear them around the house and become more comfortable.  They don't fit like the clothes he is use to... plus his is still lacking the boobs that would change how they look too.

Overall I think our life has finally gotten to its new level of normalcy.  Its not what it use to be, but it is good, and filled with a lot of happiness.

July 22, 2013

I know I haven't posted in a while, things were going really good again... for a while at least.  Now I am just confused.  I want so bad for everything to just work out, but I have so many doubts.  I've tried talking to my husband about some of them but he just ends up really up set, and I just feel worse.  I have my doubts that I can make this work.  He told me the other day that my opinion is all that matters, and as long as I can see him as a woman everything will be ok.  Thats a lot to put on me.  I am gonna be the hardest person to convince.  He is my husband, and father to our children, how am I suppose to see him as a woman.

I told him that I still had a hope that maybe this was just a phase, and it would pass, and things would just be normal.  I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but its just stayed in the back of my mind.  He told me very straight forwardly that its not a phase, and he was worried about me that I thought it was.  Ever since that convo, I guess I lost all hope of it being a phase, and with that some of my hope that I can handle this.

Everyday I torture myself thinking of the pro's and con's of staying.  I LOVE my husband, and he treats me amazingly well, and really spoils me.  I know I will never meet a kinder person, but I to be put though all of this stress as he changes.  Seeing him from time to time in woman's clothes is so hard already, how am I gonna handle it when it is an everyday thing.  Does it get easier? or is this just life? I know that things are only going to get a lot harder before they stand a chance of getting easier.  But what if it just keeps getting harder, and never gets easier?

I guess only time will tell.

I feel I should also mention that I'm also just a bit down since we recently have started trying to have another baby, and the first try was not successful.  I know it was only one try, and some people try for years, but I was convinced it was successful, and clearly it wasn't.  So overall I have been overly hormonal.

June 3, 2013

My husband and I had a good talk the other night.  We ended up staying up till almost 4, but we got a lot of what has been building up out.  I don't remember exactly what made it all start coming out, I know I told him I was worrying about stuff.  It has been a while since he's made any changes.  I keep reading things online where the transsexual ends up saying that they need to make changes or they will kill themselves.  I started worrying that by asking him to keep things slow I was just going to push him to that point, but I didn't want to bring it up to him because I had a feeling it would lead to him wanting to make more changes, and I didn't know if I could handle it.  He admitted that he wants to start dressing at home on the weekends, but he doesn't have anything to wear, but some of my old skirts.  So I suggested maybe we could start by just doing it for a few hours here and there.  I'm hoping that it will make it easier.  I know I'm gonna have to get past the initial shock of seeing him in girls clothes.  He does have the girl PJ's that he wears a lot, and they no longer bother me, so I'm sure with time I will get past the other clothes too.  While out shopping yesterday I surprised him and stopped at goodwill to see if we could find him any clothes.  He has no idea what kind of style he wants to end up wearing, and I don't know what would look good on him, so I figured goodwill is at least a cheap way for him to experiment with what styles he wants to end up wearing.  

We also talked about how I feel like I have to give up a lot of things for his happiness, and I'm worried about how intimate we will be once hormones start.  He was really great this time.  I know in the past he has wanted to make me feel better, but last night he really did a good job!  He went on about all of the good things he was thinking, and went on to say all of the things that wont change physically, and just kinda slipped in saying his penis.  I think it took me a while to actually realize that he had said it.  So I of course had to ask about it.  Last we had talked about it he didn't really know how he felt when it came to surgery, and I had expressed to him that I am not a lesbian, and had no interest in being in that kind of a sexual relationship.. thats not to say I wouldn't stay with him, just that we would lose a lot of our intimacy.  I guess at some point he had put more thought into it, and I don't know why he didn't tell me about it sooner.  But as of now at least he is thinking that he will not get the surgery.  The risks arn't worth it, and I'm the only one who is gonna see it.  I know that hormones might end up changing his mind, but those are still a few years away anyways, we still have more kids to make lol.  

The conversations about this can be so hard, but I still think that talking it out is one of the best things you can do.  We have been letting things build up a bit, but I think we got it all talked out the other night.  I'm feeling oddly calm about all of this. 

May 22, 2013

I just have so many doubts right now.  When my first son was about 8-9 months old, I stated getting baby fever really bad, and we started trying for our second.  Now that my second son is 9 months old, I keep expecting the baby fever to start any day now.  Instead when I think about getting pregnant, I just think about that fact that we are already in debt, and having kids is expensive, and my husband wants to get stuff done, and I don't know how to afford that.  I still have the doubts of just bringing another kid into all of this.  But at the same time, we already have 2 so whats the difference if we have another one to go through all of this too.  My husband suggested waiting a year and a half to have another kid since he should get 2 raises in that time, and maybe a promotion, but I want my kids all close together.  I know a year and a half isn't that long, but when you add in the 9 months of pregnancy too our oldest will be 6, and our youngest will be getting into preschool, and then will I really want to have a young baby again? I think I'm just stressing myself out about it all more then I need to.  I think I'm just stressing out as a whole, and having a baby is just in there somewhere and has become the focus of it all.

April 24, 2013

I've just been feeling really down lately.  There isn't really one thing in particular about it all that is upsetting me, just that its happening I guess.  I debated about telling my husband that I was feeling upset last night, cuz I didn't think it would change anything about my mood, but thought maybe it would help.  Well it didn't really, it just reminded me that there really isn't he could say or do to help with this.  We cuddled and he offered to talk about things, but I didn't even know where to start talking about stuff.  So instead of feeling any better, I just felt a little worse that he couldn't help at all.  I know hes trying, and honestly I don't know what he could have done different so its not his fault, I just want him to be magic I guess.  We never use to have this problem, and that just frustrates me more.  I think its going to be a long day.

April 23,2013

Some days I get annoyed at how much my husband pushes for me to go to certain stores that have good LGBT policies, or look in to certain camps are are inclusive.  Don't get me wrong I don't really want my money going to companies that will give it to hate groups, but I'm also getting tired of the fact that I have to research before I shop places.  I wanted to check hobby lobby for some fabric the other day, cuz after looking in all of the other fabric stores, I couldn't find what I wanted, and I got attitude from my husband.  I haven't shopped there in over 8 months, and then walking into it once, got him all angry on the matter. Now I don't put all of the blame on my husband, I understand where he is coming from, and I agree that we should always try to shop at places that don't discriminate, but stores make it so complicated.  It doesn't even end at stores, I've been looking into preschools for my oldest son, and we have to make sure they are arn't discriminating either.  Now we are starting to look at summer camp stuff, and we have to put research into them too.  Don't get me wrong I would research these things anyways, wanting to get him in a good program, but looking for what teaching method they use is a lot easier to find then their discrimination policy.

I know there are a lot more important things to concentrate on, but this one is bothering me right now.  It doesn't normally, I'm happy to shop at places that don't discriminate, but it would be so much nicer if it simply wasn't legal to, and I could shop where ever the hell I want!!