December 31st 2013

Today is the last day of the year, and almost the 1 year anniversary of when my husband came out to me.  We were suppose to go to a new years eve party tonight with our play group, but we were forced to cancel.  One of our friends has a very high risk pregnancy, her older son was born at 31 weeks, and she is approaching that time with her current pregnancy, and so she can't risk getting sick at all, if she can avoid it, and our boys are getting over some colds.  She offered not to go so we could, but I felt bad since I am the one with kids who were sick.  We went back and forth about it, but I told her just to go and enjoy herself.  Now i'm kinda kicking myself for it.  I have been having some issues with depression lately and feeling lonely not being around my friends much lately, and I was hoping to get out and do something.  The frustrating part is that I just couldn't put my own needs first.  My boys aren't horribly sick or anything, just a cough and one of them has a runny nose.  They did have fevers but they have been gone for a few days now.  And don't get me wrong I understand her concern for not wanting to get sick, but what about me.  Why do I put myself last after everyone?  Why can I never put myself first? Its something that I know I really have to work on, but I feel so guilty putting myself first.  I have kids I should never come before them right?  Its all so complicated.

Its also been kinda hard that I have felt kinda outcast-ed from our play group over the last 6 months or so.  I don't know what has changed, a lot of us had kids start school, and some went back to work, and others got put on bed rest, a lot has changed for everyone.  Most of them hang out with each other still though.  Its a small group but its kinda like clicks formed, and mom's found their best friend of the group and that is who they hang out with all the time, but I ended up without one.  I have very low self esteem, and so my thoughts keep going to say that it must be because they don't like me, or they find me very annoying.  When I'm already feeling like this, and you add in my mother in law going on and on about how terrible of a person I am, I start believing it all must be true.  I like to think that over the last few years with my husband I have gained a lot of self esteem, and I have over all grow as a person in the last 6 years or so.  Then I start feeling like the odd man out with my friends, and to hear such horrible things said about me from a family member (who is getting her information from my ex-fiance's wife who is friends with my husbands sister... I know its kinda weird).  It just brings back so many feelings of bad times in my life when I didn't have it all together, and now I feel like I'm losing it all again.

I have tried expressing to at least one of my friends that I was feeling lonely and left out, with the hopes that she would ask to hang out or something, and she didn't, so that didn't really help things any.

Last year was a very long year, and I see next year being another long, here's hoping that I find something to look forward to in the next year.

I hope everyone has a happy new year!!

Facebook group

I don't know how many people read this blog, but I wanted to share with you all a group that I am starting on facebook.  I've made it secret so unless you are in the group you can't see the group, who is in it or what is posted.  I can't just share a link to the group because it wont show up for you if your not a member so please email me Hellokittypink53@gmail.com to get an invite to the group.  I'm planning for it to be a place where spouses of trans people can talk openly about the issues they are facing with out worrying about what others think.  A place to vent, as well as share the good news.

I also wanted to share another blog that is by a trans spouse.  I haven't finished reading though it all yet, but they are just getting starting with it all and I'm sure she would love some of you to visit her site http://myidentityjourney.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-breaking-point.html

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I just wanted to put a quick post up about the group, hopefully I'll find time to put up a regular post soon :-)

December 2nd, 2013

After spending most of November stressing out about what we were gonna do for Thanksgiving we ended up going to my families instead of Jon's.  We wanted to go see his family but we just couldn't stand to see his parents and siblings.  It was the first time we saw my brother and sister in law since Jon came out to them.  I think we were both a little nervous, but my family is also wonderfully supportive.  They treated Jon the same way they always have.  When we went to my Grandma's house for thanksgiving it was great too!  My mom told me after we had been there for a while that my dad had told one of my aunts about Jon being trans, and she didn't say anything about knowing, but she also still treated him the same way she always has.  I know it has to be scarier for Jon to see people for the first time after coming out to them, but this week really showed us that we will always have my family.  We wont have to go at this alone.

On our way home we met up with a old friend of ours, and met his wife for the first time.  It was also the first time we saw them since we told them, and they were wonderful about it too.  I am very grateful for for all of our friends and family who have stood by us, and acted like nothing has changed!

I hope everyone reading had a happy Thanksgiving too!!