June 3, 2013

My husband and I had a good talk the other night.  We ended up staying up till almost 4, but we got a lot of what has been building up out.  I don't remember exactly what made it all start coming out, I know I told him I was worrying about stuff.  It has been a while since he's made any changes.  I keep reading things online where the transsexual ends up saying that they need to make changes or they will kill themselves.  I started worrying that by asking him to keep things slow I was just going to push him to that point, but I didn't want to bring it up to him because I had a feeling it would lead to him wanting to make more changes, and I didn't know if I could handle it.  He admitted that he wants to start dressing at home on the weekends, but he doesn't have anything to wear, but some of my old skirts.  So I suggested maybe we could start by just doing it for a few hours here and there.  I'm hoping that it will make it easier.  I know I'm gonna have to get past the initial shock of seeing him in girls clothes.  He does have the girl PJ's that he wears a lot, and they no longer bother me, so I'm sure with time I will get past the other clothes too.  While out shopping yesterday I surprised him and stopped at goodwill to see if we could find him any clothes.  He has no idea what kind of style he wants to end up wearing, and I don't know what would look good on him, so I figured goodwill is at least a cheap way for him to experiment with what styles he wants to end up wearing.  

We also talked about how I feel like I have to give up a lot of things for his happiness, and I'm worried about how intimate we will be once hormones start.  He was really great this time.  I know in the past he has wanted to make me feel better, but last night he really did a good job!  He went on about all of the good things he was thinking, and went on to say all of the things that wont change physically, and just kinda slipped in saying his penis.  I think it took me a while to actually realize that he had said it.  So I of course had to ask about it.  Last we had talked about it he didn't really know how he felt when it came to surgery, and I had expressed to him that I am not a lesbian, and had no interest in being in that kind of a sexual relationship.. thats not to say I wouldn't stay with him, just that we would lose a lot of our intimacy.  I guess at some point he had put more thought into it, and I don't know why he didn't tell me about it sooner.  But as of now at least he is thinking that he will not get the surgery.  The risks arn't worth it, and I'm the only one who is gonna see it.  I know that hormones might end up changing his mind, but those are still a few years away anyways, we still have more kids to make lol.  

The conversations about this can be so hard, but I still think that talking it out is one of the best things you can do.  We have been letting things build up a bit, but I think we got it all talked out the other night.  I'm feeling oddly calm about all of this.